Saturday, 19 March 2016

Thoughs of today ( including more boring shit about vikki)

Today I've just been lying around on my bed doing random shit, I've got the radio on the TV and that drake and Rhianna song keeps coming on, I cant understand a fucking word of it, all I can hear is them saying some random made up words over and over again, I think I managed to make out the word work? well whatever it says, the song is shit and gives me a headache.

I feel super tired today and have some random pains in my chest which is quite scary TBH. My mum and sister are out all day at band camp (my sister is in a marching jazz band) and the dogs are doing my head in, Billie and Mollie are bouncing off the kitchen door, there in the kitchen because they destroy the house if my mams not in, elbi is asleep in the living room and Tootsie has spread herself right across my bed and is just being lazy with me.

my brain just wont switch off today, I have all these random thoughts just casually floating about in there, they're mostly about Vikki and how she hasn't been in touch for over a week and a half, I miss her like crazy but I'm not about to let her know that, if she missed me she would tell me right?, I don't believe she misses me, she told me just before we broke up that she was used to me not being there, she's got everything she needs now, she's got her kids, college, all the help and support she can get from the proper professionals, I haven't got anything to offer her apart from a few days a week of me having anxiety attacks and not being able to get out of bed, who wants to be lumbered with that?, I think she's gonna thrive without me, she's got nothing holding her back now, I bet I don't even cross her mind anymore its sad but I guess that's just the way it has to be. I'm trying to tell myself ill be okay but every now and then I break down, I just crumble thinking about some of the memories we shared together, even writing this I have tears in my eyes, I still haven't been able to bring myself to delete the photos of us but I'm sure I'll get there in the end.

I don't just miss Vikki, I miss her kids as well they were a big part of my life and I really thought we were going to grow in to a proper little family. Eliza is the youngest  she can be very stroppy if you upset her but she's generally so sweet and loving, she's gives the best hugs if your upset, listening to her singing random words brings a smile to my face. next, is sonny and he is one of the most well behaved kids I've ever met, he's helpful and down to earth, sonny struggles with his reading and writing but he definitely makes up for it with his sense of humour, he's actually a really funny little guy, he quite in touch with his emotions and understands a lot, I think he's gonna turn out be a very intelligent young man. Fred is the oldest boy, he's very tall for his age and often gets mistaken for being a lot older than he is, he's a bit of a stud with the ladies and very popular amongst his friends, I think Fred is gonna be a very successful Entrepreneur he got a natural talent for wheeling and dealing. lastly, is the twins Asha and Brandi, now I could write a story on these two but at the minute I'm actually really proud of them, they've over come a lot of obstacles in there short life and sometimes I was convinced they would never make it but they have proved me wrong and are turning into very respectable young ladies. I'm super proud of all Vikki's kids and although I might not say it very often, I love them all a lot and like Vikki they will always be in my heart.

Now I could bore you all day talking about how much I love Vikki but its pretty pointless when she doesn't feel the same, I suppose I'm still getting used to the fact that she wont be in my life anymore, I have these random moments where I think of something and just want to text and tell her then I have to remind my self that I wont get a reply and then I'll be depressed for days, so my safest bet is to write it on here at least then I know I'm safe and pretty confident she has no idea about my blog, she's not like me she doesn't obsess over me when I'm gone she just gets on with things, sometimes I do wish I could have that mentality, I wish I could just switch my feelings off and forget the world, instead I drive my self crazy by reading her blog, I then get that heart sinking feeling when I realise she hasn't ever mentioned me apart from to say that I have Facebook (which I really don't) and to basically just slag me off. definitely no one bit of love there at all, not even a hint. it turns out even when people say they'll always love you doesn't necessarily mean they actually will.

notes to myself:
  • stop reading Vikki's blog, she doesn't care and she doesn't miss you and its a bit stalkerish
  • stop dedicating songs to Vikki in your head, its weird
  • delete all pictures of Vikki, even the ones you have hidden in a secret album, you creep
  • stop saying goodnight to her, she cant fucking hear you
  • stop thinking she will suddenly change her mind, that's just not her is it?
  • stop thinking she's just gonna pop up with a new girlfriend and so what if she does, you have Tootsie and its only right she has a dog too 

I'm hilarious I know.

my best friend is actually an amazing stalker but she's also quite creepy ( if your reading this Kelsey, I'm joking obvs), we are very childish when we are together, we actually had a text conversation the other day and all the way through I referred to myself in the third person, it drove her crazy it was so funny that I actually nearly wee'd, anyway i'll write more about mine and Kelsey's crazy antics in another post when I can be bothered. Ta ta for now.

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