On Thursday I'm gonna attempt to go into town to get my hair cut, this will be a massive step for me as I've only done this once since October last year but I cant stay in my bed all my life I seriously need to make some changes. I want to be normal and be able to do normal things, l want to eventually be able to go to college then get a job, these things might sound simple to you but for a person with mental health issues those things can be very challenging and can also bring on unwanted thoughts, feelings and stress.
I hate that I cant do most things other people find so easy, I cant go to the cinema because I get overwhelmed by all the people, I cant eat out because I have a fear of choking, I cant go to party's or go shopping, I basically cant do anything that means leaving my safe zone which is my house. most people don't understand this and it can be really frustrating, my friend Kelsey doesn't understand she still now after knowing me for 11 years asks me if I wanna do things that she knows I'll never do, Vikki never really understood either she used to get mad at me a lot because she thought I was putting it on obviously I wasn't, there's no way you can fake a rapid heartbeat and excessive sweating, I found myself hiding my panic attacks from her and trying to do more than I felt comfortable with just because I didn't want to let her down anymore, I felt like she resented me for having this illness because I was always the one who took control of the house and the kids and then suddenly I couldn't do it anymore but what she didn't understand is how not being able to do the things I used to do made me feel, I hated myself more than she ever could and there was nobody more disappointed with them self than me, I felt like I failed her and the children and in a way I guess I did.
in about an hour I'm going to take my night time tablet which takes about an hour to knock me to sleep but for now I'm gonna get some food and a milkshake. put a film on and chill the fuck out, I might even browse mumsnet for a bit of a laugh! so good night guys and to those of you who think they've failed in life and feel like giving up.... don't be scared to ask for help there's always someone out there who understands and is going through the same thing. Be proud of who you are!!