Wednesday, 16 March 2016

A letter to vikki

Yesterday my ex Vikki decided to write a blog about me, well this is my reply.

Dear Vikki

I seen the blog you wrote about me and I wanted to take the time to reply.

you said in your blog that I lied about having Facebook, you were wrong I didn't lie, I haven't been on Facebook since I left your home in January, the particular Facebook you're talking about is either the Facebook that got hacked or the Facebook YOU changed the password to, but you already know all this don't you? because you were there both times. its sad that you feel the need to spout lies about me on your blog instead of just asking me if I done what you've accused me of, as you know if you asked I will tell the truth.

you also said that you were nothing to me and you weren't good enough for me , you were wrong again, you meant everything to me, I lived my life to please you, I trusted you with my deepest secret, something I had never told anyone before, I was mesmerized by your personality and your beauty, I had never wanted anyone as much as you and I gave up so much just to be with you, I took on your children and treat them like my own, I helped you achieve your dream of going to college, I supported your choice of becoming a carpenter, I done my very best to help you, I gave you freedom, I was never violent and I never cheated on you, when I first met you I seen a beauty I had never seen before but I also seen a tortured soul, a woman who was deeply hurting, a woman that had been through so much her only option was to be strong, I seen a woman desperate to be cherished and loved.

it was never my plan to fall in love with you I thought love was beyond me, I had never wanted to leave myself that vulnerable before, to me love meant weakness and weakness meant hurt, I didn't want to hurt again, I had done enough of that through my childhood. Before I met you I had never told anybody apart from family that I loved them, you really were my first love.

I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship but I learnt by them, I also forgave all your mistakes because I assumed you learnt by them too, we grew a lot together in our 3 year relationship, we went through stuff that most couples don't go through at all, we have a lot of history. all the fears and insecurities you have are because of past relationships, both made our relationship very difficult but I never stop loving you through any of it.

me and you both suffered horrific but different abuse in our childhoods, that abuse lead to us develop severe mental health problems which put a massive strain on our relationship, you have PTSD and some kind of personality disorder and I have anxiety and depression, neither of us can cope with each other while our mental health is bad, we bring on each others triggers  and that's why every once in a while we need a break from each other, normally a few weeks is enough but this time was different, we had fucked each other up so much that we said this time is really the end, I never wanted that and for a while a didn't think you did either I thought after a few days you would change your mind but you didn't.

I started reading your blog a few days ago, you wrote about your life before you met me, your life when you first met me and your life now but not once was I mentioned in any of it, that really hurt me, I felt like I never existed to you, you wrote about your illness, your children, college, friendships and even the old neighbour you hate but never once did you mention me, the supposed love of your life, the person who gave you everything she could, the person that risked her own health to be with you, the person that put your needs before her own every time, the person that took on so much so young just because she believed in you, the person that told you she loved you everyday even when you went out of your way to hurt her, the person that defended you even though you were in the wrong, the person that told you how beautiful you are and meant it, the person that stood by your side and cared for you when nobody else did and finally the person who still wants to be with you even after you've broke her heart a million times over.

I think about you everyday, every song that comes on the radio is your song, at night I imagine you asleep next to me, I cry myself to sleep most nights but I dream the most beautiful dreams about you, then I wake up and reality sets in and I remember that you don't want me anymore, I don't fit in with your 'changes' or your new student life, I'm too much hard work for you.

Lastly, I just want to say that I hope life is good to you and I hope you achieve all your dreams. I hope you finally find the wife you've been looking for and I hope she treats you right and loves you the way you deserve.

You'll always be in my heart, all my love. The one that you forgot.

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