Monday, 21 March 2016

I'm having a really shit day

Woke up in the middle of the night again having a nightmare, couldn't get back to sleep for ages but when I finally did drop off I was up again at 6am with toothache, IME toothache is one of the worst pains you can go through in your life, I took painkillers, swished warm salty water and even rubbed toothpaste on the sore tooth but still my mouth is in agony, It hurts so much I think I might actually start crying. oh and I've got a cold sore so my morning has been pretty shit but I did get up and make my mum a cup of coffee which is an achievement I suppose.

I actually cant wait to see my phycologist on the 30th, she's been off sick for the past 2 weeks so  I haven't be able to see her, I have so much shit built up in my head that I need to off load and all the stuff with Vikki is doing my head in, I spoke to a friend yesterday who told me Vikki's doing fine, she's been generally keeping herself busy and she's been to the cinema with the kids which she would never do when I was there unless I actually forced her, TBH she never wanted to do anything with me and the kids, I think spending time with me was like a chore to her and god help me if I asked her to spend any money, we only really done nice stuff if I paid for it and she gets a lot more money than I do. I tried to give her everything I could but it just feels like I failed her, nothing was ever good enough and the one thing I value more than anything else is loyalty and that's one thing she never gave me.

I honestly don't think it'll be long before Vikki finds somebody else, she falls in love really easily and this LGBTQ support group she's gonna be doing will be the perfect place for that to happen, why cant I just forget her? I know she doesn't love me and I know there's never gonna be an US again, so why do I keep hoping she'll ring, text or email? I don't know how to move on and I don't know if I ever will.

I'm feeling very sad today my depression is at its finest.

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