Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Thearpy session 1 and What i learned today

Today has been quite productive, I got up, got ready and seen my therapist, we agreed to 16 weekly sessions of CAT (cognitive analytic therapy) based on relationships with other people and more importantly my relationship with myself, this therapy is aimed at helping me love myself and coming to terms with fact that no matter how much I love someone I'm not always gonna get the same kind of love back, we are only responsible for our own actions. my therapist  told me that she thinks I love too much and I've spent my whole life trying to protect people and there feelings that I forgot to protect my own, she also explained that I cant stop Vikki telling lies about me or thinking the worst but I can choose to ignore it, I can choose to let her live her life the way she wants because I know the people that matter to me know the truth and just because I kept a secret for 15 years does not make me a liar and just because I spoke to my friends in times of need does not make me a cheater, mistakes you've made do not define you they are purely made so we can learn from them. cheating is sexual and romantic, friendship is not cheating, someone talking you out of suicide is not cheating, getting your photo took is not cheating. my therapist made a brilliant point she made me think about things that never made sense before, Vikki is accusing me of the things she's done, she's moved on and replaced me so to make her self feel better she convinces herself I've done the same, all the times she cheated on me, she made up situations in which I had done the same to justify her own actions the difference is she had no proof or evidence so she filled in the blanks and concocted her own version of events to which she spread around so people would believe her without the rumour directly coming from her, a liar needs validation so they will tell anybody that they think will listen to them and will write about it which convinces them even more that there own lie is the truth, there's also victim blaming, where you take a situation and twist it so the victim looks like the perpetrator, like what she done with my abuse by saying "maybe they were experimenting" or the phase "sleeping with your brother for 10 years" and in argument she has actually said " well at least I didn't shag my brother" and then the Steven situation, she tried to blame me for not loving her properly told me I should love her like he did, theres lots more examples but there the main ones, vikki lies to be the victim she like people feeling sorry for her, she likes to be the abused party because that's all shes ever known but she done it to the wrong person this time.

The sad thing about all this is, I don't hate Vikki in fact I'm still very much in love with her and I know I would take her back despite everything, now why would I do that if I could have someone else, someone more normal?, why would my whole life revolve around Vikki?, why would I sit here writing about her day after day, she not doing the same for me in fact she's doing the opposite, she blocked my accounts so she doesn't feel guilty, so she cant see how much I'm hurting and so can continue to believe her own lies because in her eyes there's no proof so she can believe what she wants but people will see the truth and people will realise what she's actually like. I stay in the house 24/7 I have depression and anxiety, I left her home because I needed looked after, I have no friends, I have no Facebook, the only people I see is my mum, my sisters, my step dad and my best friend, I don't watch TV, the only social media I have is this blog, google+ and Pinterest and there all publically visible, there's no secret messages or secret meetings, I don't go anywhere or doing anything so there certainly nobody else there's no opportunity or motive, Vikki on the other hand goes to college, talks to anybody and everybody, goes out daily, sends private messages to people, has a million opportunity's to meet someone else and even has the motive of "well you done it first" but yet she still accuses me of being the cheat and the one that's moved on and replaced her, the only person I could ever replace her with is my fucking dog because that's the only person who gets in my bed. I hope she's happy in whatever she's doing and I hope she gets help for her mental health and achieves everything she wants and as painful as it is to say but I really hope she finds love, real love that makes her want to be a better person, the same kind of love I had for her, Vikki changed me and I'm a better person now than I ever was and for the first time time time in 18 years I'm ready to fight for my life back, I'm ready to be what I was supposed to be, I'm ready to just be me, I hope she manages to fight her demons and become what I know she is capable of.

I'll always love you Vikki and I'll never forget you.
todays the day I take a leaf out of your book and get my life back
I wanna learn to be happy just like you are
I wanna to forget all my feeling for you just like you have for me
I want to be proud of myself just like I am of you
I'm gonna prove that I am a good person and your lies wont work.
goodbye and god bless m one true love.

Terri and Vikki ( lies and deceit)

So in the past week, I found out my brothers getting out of jail in the next 2 weeks, my ex has completely cut me out of her life, she's blocked my number, blocked me on google+ and even deleted the board she had for me on Pinterest. my heart is shattered, I didn't think this would ever happen to us, I thought she loved me but all she's done is write lies about me, I've never once slagged her off or slated her on my blog but the stuff I've read about myself on her blog has literally broken me, I really haven't done any of that stuff .

Vikki isn't like other people, she's unique. her mind works differently to most other peoples, she cant watch TV or listen to music, browse the internet, go swimming, go on holiday, read a magazine. doing any of those things will send her into a meltdown, its clearly a mental health problem that she needs serious help with but honestly she's never been diagnosed, the past 3 years with Vikki have been extremely hard on both of us, I was only 21 when we got together and I admit I was still a very immature little girl with a massive drink problem, I made a few mistakes I'm not proud of but I've leant from them.

Vikki was different when we first met, we used to watch tele and listen to music, we even went to the pub but things quickly changed, she didn't like any of my friends and I admit they weren't the greatest of people but they were always there for me, she started getting very jealous and would isolate me for anything and everything, she would finish with me all the time, gradually I stopped going out because of two incidents, one where a girl tried to dance with me but I told her I had a girlfriend and she backed off, I didn't tell Vikki straight away I was scared how she'd react and exactly as I expected she finished with me, the other was when me and Vikki were out with my half brother Michael and there were dancers on the stage and I watched them, I didn't realise I was doing anything wrong and when I understood I had hurt Vikki I apologised there was also a man that kept saying he was going to leave his wife for me but I just laughed it off, he was an idiot that I had a drunken fumble with when I was 19 and confused. I stopped talking to my friends, because Vikki thought they lead me astray, I stopped watching TV because she would accuse me of fancying every woman that came on and I didn't want her to finish with me again, stopped listening to music because she accused me of thinking about the girl singers, I wasn't allowed to talk to girls, we couldn't walk down the street without her accusing me of looking at girls, I couldn't go on the internet without being accused of watching porn, I really tried to understand and I stopped doing everything she didn't like and followed all the rules, she went to college but I wasn't allowed to go or get a job because she wanted me to stay at home with the kids and be a housewife. I hadn't been brought up the same as her we were from totally different backgrounds and it was hard to change so much and sometimes I fucked up as I'm going to explain below:

The things Vikki has accused me of I suppose are true but not at all like she says they are, firstly, I have never in the 3 years were together, kissed another person, slept with another person, or had any romantic or sexual connection to anybody. the first incident was when me and Vikki went on a march for a cause that is very close to her heart, after the march we went to a few gay bars around town and in one of them, she got really friendly with a girl and asked her to come home with us, I was furious but tried not to let it show, instead I got extremely drunk and I cant remember much after that but apparently I kissed an old man and walked off with him and left Vikki in town. all I remember is walking around the streets asking people to use there phones so I could ring my brother to come and get me, next thing I know I'm sitting in Vikki's with her ex who actually stayed at her house that night and for a week the following month for christmas, she was weirdly close to him and I hated it, I must of feel asleep because the next thing I remember was getting dragged out of her house, I woke up the next day covered in blood, my face was a mess, I had a bruise of a footprint on arm, I had no idea who done this to me but I ended up at the hospital with shooting pains in my head, I had an ex ray and everything was fine but the hospital were 99% sure I had been spiked. the next few weeks after that incident I apologised to Vikki over and over again until she finally agreed to take me back. after that I stopped drinking and have been sober 3 years now.

Next there is Vikki's massive problem with an ex friend of mine Jamie, Jamie and I started talking randomly 6 years ago, she was having trouble with her wife who she was separated from at the time, she was also going through a custody battle with the father of her kids, I had just split up from my 1st girlfriend and neither of us were remotely interested in a relationship and we made that clear from the start, we both just needed a friend, we talked for a while and supported each other through hard times, then one weekend out of the blue she asked me if she could visit me, I wasn't sure at first and tried to put her off until my cousin said she could stay there, so she came up and stayed for 2 days at my cousins we had a drink and it was a laugh but absolutely no sexual feelings what so ever, next time she came up she told me she had met someone and I was extremely happy for her, she actually went home early that weekend because her girlfriend was coming to stay, we carried on talking and I spoke to her girlfriend too, it was purely just a friendship, we got on really well and she was just as happy for me when I met Vikki, obviously I got caught up in the hype of being in love and we stopped speaking as often in fact we only spoke about there times after I met Vikki, then one day my cousin made a daft comment about me loving Jamie and Vikki went mad told me she didn't want me to speak to her ever again, which wasn't a problem as the last time I spoke to her was about 8 weeks after me and Vikki got together, I blocked Jamie on Facebook and that was that, until about a year later when Vikki seen a message on my mums Facebook from Jamie saying " I'm not happy with Terri blocking me just because she has a girlfriend" Vikki then accused me of talking to Jamie the whole time we had been together which of course wasn't true, the next incident with Jamie was when me and vikki split up because of a reason I'm not willing to discus on here, anyway while we were apart, I went to a party, got some pictures took with friends and that night I text Vikki and told her I had went out and I was at home in bed alone because she didn't trust me, she text me back and told me to "fuck off" and said that she hated me, this really upset me and I was in an episode of depression, I felt the urge to cut myself, I had been like this before as I've suffered depression since I was 14, I needed someone to talk to but I had cut all my friends off because Vikki didn't like them, so I went on my Facebook and in boxed Jamie, she sent her number and she talked me out of cutting my self, we talked for hours about how much I loved and missed Vikki, Jamie's girlfriend char, her new little boy they had together and her brother that had passed away recently and that was it nothing flirty or sexual at all.

This incident is pretty similar but with a different person, Tasha was the neighbour of my mums friend Michelle who lived in our street, she was 17 nearly 18 so very young and immure, me and Vikki had been split up abut 2 weeks when I met her, I was having an awful time as my brother was due in court and about to be sentenced for sexually abusing me when I was a child, I was very depressed and extremely anxious, Tasha was about to be took into care because her mum had been physically abusing her since Tasha's dad passed away, we became friends but never spent time alone together or went out together but we did support each other, we talked about our problems as I had no friends and couldn't really talk to my family, I admit I was stupid to open up to someone but again I was feeling suicidal and had recently tried to overdose it kept me from doing something stupid again, it was never flirty or romantic or sexual, I talked about how much I was in love with Vikki who I had emailed everyday since we had split up and had no reply and Tasha had a boyfriend who id met but a few weeks later she messaged me and told me she had feelings for me, I replied by telling her I was in love with Vikki and hoped we would sort things out and she was far too young for me and after that I stopped talking to her, I didn't want to lead her on and I didn't want to lose Vikki but again nothing ever sexual or romantic happen, she was just a young girl with a silly crush.

Next is the bisexual sharelle nothing at all has ever went on, I met her years ago and hated her, met her again when she joined my sisters marching jazz band, we got on as friends same way I did with everyone from the band and I only seen her on a Sundays at competitions, I went away to wales with the jazz band, we all stayed in a hall, we weren't even in the same part but I went through to babysit another band member while her mum had a drink with mine and a group of us played cards and took some photos, in one of the photos I had leaned back and my hand touched her leg that was it, nothing sexual or flirty, the next incident was when I went to sharelles sisters 18th and again a group of us got photos took, nothing at all in any of it. Vikki just hates her coz she's a lesbian, she was blatantly fucking one of the male band members but I wasn't allowed to talk to her when Vikki was there or any other girl for that matter.

Mark, I've mentioned him further up but I'm gonna explain further, mark was my brother Michaels best mate, I was 19 and had not long come out as gay, I had just split up with my first girlfriend and Michael took me out, I got extremely drunk and had a drunken one night stand with mark, cant really remember it to be honest and it was a one time thing that was never spoke about again, in fact I actually avoided him until the night of my 21st, me and Vikki weren't even together at this point but she was there, I got drunk, slapped some men about in a jealous rage over them flirting with Vikki, slapped my sister by accident had a scuffle with my brother and mark grabbed my hand and walked me home, Vikki reckons I kissed him but I don't remember but she did admit that my brother actually kissed her that night so she's not exactly innocent and I ended up sleeping at her house that night so clearly nothing happened with me and him, anyway the night I described further up, mark kept telling Vikki he was gonna leave his wife for me I shrugged it off and laughed as it was clearly never gonna happen he was an idiot who took advantage of me when I was drunk but Vikki was furious and I don't blame her but nothing happened I was with her all night and I haven't spoke to him since.

The fake profile she mentioned was another time we split up, I was stupid and immature, I made a fake profile and talked to myself to make her jealous, I'm embarrassed to admit it but I'm a fuck up and mentally unstable.

Just to be clear I was never with Vikki when any of these situations happened we had always spilt up, yeah I made wrong choices and stupid mistakes but I've learnt by them and as I'm going to explain below Vikki is not innocent in all this she's done her fair share too.

First time I started to doubt Vikki was when I realised how close she was to her ex, like he used to stay at her house or outside her house in his car, fair enough he lived 6 hours away so had a long drive but seeing them together just made me uncomfortable, they were always laughing together and talking about old times, I felt jealous and really out of place like I was the third wheel, they used to go out with the kids together like a little family, it broke my heart to see someone I was in love with so close to a man she once was in a relationship with for 9 years, it was actually about 8 weeks before she told him we were together and it was only because her oldest kids dropped her in it  so she had other choice, he was really horrible about me and used to call me fat and say he was gonna get rid of me, she never stuck up for me she'd just laugh it off.

The next time was when I realised she had been exchanging messages with a man that she had some kind of online fantasy relationship with over Xbox and Facebook, I had found sexual massages earlier on in our relationship from before she met me, the messages actually made me physically sick but this time we were together, the messages weren't sexual but it was the fact he was an ex that she had told she loved and had online sex with once upon a time.

The situation with Steve is basically the same as the one above, she was messaging him, nothing sexual but I later found out she had slept with this man on 2 separate occasions and he was in love with her to the point he even tried to stop her from getting married... not really a big deal but it broke my heart.

The 6 weeks when we were apart was when I truly realised what she was capable of, this was the break up when I met Tasha, who she actually had no idea about so she cant use that as an excuse, she befriended a 18 year old girl who she had in her house, she went shopping with and even went on nights out with her, I discovered photos of Vikki kissing girls who she says were in a relationship and it was just friendly, she admitted kissing another girl to see if she was over me (weird, right?) and the night I over dosed she was with another girl who she told people she fucked but then later denied it.

Johnny the delivery driver, we were actually together when this happened,we had been arguing, cant remember why but she had been out to try and buy bunk beds for the kids, apparently she only spoke to this man once and give him her number so he could drop the beds off, anyway she gets a text and I read it, its from the delivery man Johnny saying "when am I going to see you again" I scrolled down and there was another saying "I know this sounds silly but I cant get you out of my head" obviously I confronted her and she wasn't sorry she actually tried to make it my fault, now that fucking killed me but I stayed because I was madly in love with her

Steven! now this is the big one the one that broke me completely and the reason why I don't trust her with men. Vikki always talked about this man who she'd grew up in care with, she said he was like a brother to her, she was bridesmaid at his wedding and actually referred to him as her brother, they hadn't spoke for a while then he got back in contact and I actually encouraged her to talk to him, he had split from his wife and needed a friend (quite innocent I thought) ,then we split up and I just had a feeling that something was going on with them ( truth is I hacked her Facebook and read her messages so I know exactly what was said but she still to this day hasn't told me the whole truth), she admitted talking to him sexually and telling him she loved him, in fact she even rang me and told me I should love her like Steven does while i was on the phone breaking my heart telling her I loved her ( I find this twisted considering she knew the abuse I suffered by my brother), I forgave her and we got back together, few days later I found a picture on her phone of her that she had sent to him, she denied it for ages then finally told me the truth, it wasn't a rude pic just a pic of her face but she lied.

So yeah, our whole relationship was fucked up but I never cheated, I changed my whole life to suit Vikki and I'm still the one left hurting and heartbroken while she's talking to some random 20 year old FTM transsexual which she actually rang me to tell me about because she didn't want me to hear it from other people and now she's blocked me on everything and is slating me on her blog, she even referred to my sexual abuse as "sleeping with my brother for 10 years". so yeah here I am again, heartbroken, depressed, anxious and suicidal and vikkis nowhere to be seen, stupid thing is, I'm still madly in love with this woman and I think I always will be.      

Monday, 28 March 2016

Our fucked up love (explicit content)


At that start of our relationship ill admit I was immature, but one thing I wasn’t doing, was fucking sluts for sure
I had bitches on my phone, but not one of them had my heart, it was only you Vikki, right from the fucking start
with you it just felt different, we decided to take it slow, it was almost 2 weeks before I fucking touched your
whoa lets back it up, I think there something missing, oh yeah now I remember, there was no one else I was kissing
 You can throw all theses accusations, if you wanna keep us apart, but here’s some validations, these lyrics are coming right from my heart
 your pussy was the only pussy, I was fucking fistin, your tits are the only tits that I get horny kissin, your arse is the only arse
that’s bounced on my rubber dick, and your cunt is the only cunt, that I have ever licked
 come on lets be real for a sec, I’m far from a fucking saint, but one thing I know for sure, is a cheater I fucking aint.

There’ll always be home for you in my heart
No matter if were together or worlds apart
No body else on earth could take your place
Your big brown eyes and your beautiful face
Your smile is burned in to my brain
My love for you will always stay the same
You might forget me and you might move on
But vikki in my heart is where you truly belong.

Now anybody that knows you, knows your head don’t work the same, as every fucker else’s and it drives us both insane
You like to believe all the bad stuff, but you wont believe the good, would you rather I was on the floor, drowning in my own blood
The tiniest little seed of doubt, will cause a fucking war, Terri pack your fucking bags and walk right out the door
A week will pass or maybe two, before I’m back in your bed, ill never forget the pain you caused, but I can forget what you said
Our love is like a hurricane, of every fucking emotion, two psychopaths together though, it was bound to cause commotion
          One thing I can say for sure is , I think our love was fate, although, I wanna slit your throat, when you call me fucking mate
Have you ever noticed though, how we always get back together, don’t think you can fucking leave me bitch, you belong to me forever

There’ll always be home for you in my heart
No matter if were together or worlds apart
No body else on earth could take your place
Your big brown eyes and your beautiful face
Your smile is burned in to my brain
My love for you will always stay the same
You might forget me and you might move on
But vikki in my heart is where you truly belong.

Sunday, 27 March 2016

A letter of apologies

I think this will be my last ever post so I wanna use it to apologize to the people who mean the most to me, these words are truly form the bottom of my heart.

To Vikki- I'm sorry for all the mistakes I made when we broke up and when we were together, I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you and made you cry, I'm sorry for pushing you to the point of doing things you didn't want to do, I'm sorry for not understanding you and still pushing you to do things you didn't feel comfortable doing, I'm sorry for seeking attention from other people when you weren't there to comfort me, I'm sorry for making you feel ugly and worthless, because to me your the most beautiful girl in the world, I'm sorry for making you think all other girls came before you, no girl has ever come close to you, you were always my number 1 priority,  I'm sorry for shouting and getting jealous when you spoke to men, I'm sorry for becoming ill and blaming you for not supporting me, I'm sorry I cried on the phone when I found out you were talking to Tyler, I'm sorry for not wanting you to talk to him, I'm sorry for wanting you in my life and texting and ringing you all the time, I'm sorry for getting mad when you ignore me, I'm sorry for needing you, I'm sorry for not being a better parent to your kids, I'm sorry for chasing you and turning up at your door when I know you just wanted to move on from me, I'm sorry for dragging you down with my problems, I'm sorry I couldn't provide for you, I'm sorry for all the shit you had to put up with off my friends and family, I'm sorry for dragging you into my fucked up life, I'm sorry for not being the person you want me to be and fucking up our relationship, I'm sorry for all the times I stayed when you asked to me to go, I'm sorry for not letting you grow and meet new people and lastly I'm sorry for falling in love with you.

To my mum- I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through when I was young, I'm sorry for the drink, drugs and all the times I lost it and smashed your house up, I'm sorry for the times the police came to your door, I'm sorry for lashing out when we fought, I'm sorry for all the stress I put on you by not going to school, I'm sorry for all the times I cut myself and you had to see me bleed, I'm sorry for all the times I tried to overdose and you had to comfort me and take me to hospital, I'm sorry for all the times I blamed you for my dad not wanting me, I'm sorry I ruined the one relationship that you might have been happy in, I'm sorry for blaming you for the abuse I suffered, I'm sorry for not being stronger when you had cancer and finally I'm sorry for putting your only son in prison.

To my sister Lynzie- I'm sorry I wasn't old enough to help you with your kids, I'm sorry I wasn't old enough to stop your boyfriends hitting you, I'm sorry I wasn't well enough to look after your only daughter and because of me you only see her twice a month and I'm sorry for talking away the only person that really knew you.

To my sister Tylah- I'm sorry for wanting you to be a boy, I'm sorry for being jealous of you when you were a baby, I'm sorry for not protecting you properly but he promised he wouldn't hurt you if I done what he said, I'm sorry for being jealous that you had a dad, I'm sorry for all the times you had to see me kicking off when you were young, I'm sorry for all the times I made you cry when I tried to kill myself, I'm sorry for fighting with mum and I'm sorry you had to see me hurting all the times when me and Vikki split up.

To my dad- I'm sorry for not being the daughter you wanted .

Friday, 25 March 2016

Welcome to my world

This is just a little song
 i wrote, it kinda describes how im feeling right now.

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Just a little relapse

Feeling pretty shit today, my teeth are killing, my heads a mess and i just cant make sense of what im feeling anymore, i dont know if im sad, angry or both.

Ive been on my own all day, mum and tylah have been to the vets with elbi, then they had to go to hospital for tylah to get her cast refitted. My heads working over time and i ended up ringing and texting vikki and as i suspected i got no reply which has started my depression off, i dont know why i keep thinking shes gonna change, ive know her for nearly 4 years and not once when we've been apart has she chased me or made me feel worth something to her, i should be used to getting ignored but it still cuts like a knife everytime.

I think im gonna have to stop reading her blog and her Pinterest  because everytime i do and i see somthing that says she loves me or misses me it puts a liitle but of hope in my heart and i just end up disappointed when she ignores me, im starting to think the quotes are not even for me, maybe theres someone else and thats why she dosent want to speak to me or maybe she just likes playing head games, i dont know why she keeps doing this do me but i know that it hurts like fuck.

I just have to keep reminding myself that shes happier without me and thats all that i ever wanted for her, i cant be selfish and take that happiness away from her, no matter how much i miss her or how much i want her in my arms, i need to let her go and remind my self that this is what she wanted, if she felt like i do she would have been in touch.

Tomorrows another day.

Monday, 21 March 2016

betrayal and fake friends

So I've just read Vikki's blog and I'm actually foaming, she wrote on there that she heard me on the phone the other day and wrote all this bullshit about me being happy and stuff, now I only have 2 friends and I've asked them both if they have been in a room with Vikki while I've been on the phone and they both replied NO. so, either Vikki is lying or one of my friends are, I've text Vikki and had no reply, I rang her and got no answer.

I wouldn't of even been mad if one of my friends had of said yes they were with Vikki but somebody is lying to me and not one of them is loyal enough to tell the truth, I feel extremely hurt by my friends but Vikki once again has broke my heart, she writes all this stuff on her blog about me and pins pictures on Pinterest saying she misses me and loves me but when I need her she's never there, I'm not even worth a text back or a 2 minute phone call, I was starting to forget why I was mad at her but now I remember, ill never be important to her and her actions will always speak louder than her words, she'll only ever be loyal to the people who take her for granted and the people who love her will always come last, that's Vikki that's just who she is. if she bothered to take an interest in me than she'd no I'm far from happy, I have no friends and my family apart from my mum and sister are 2 faced cunts. I've got no one and this has just proved to me. people just aren't worth your pain. fuck the lot of them

I'm having a really shit day

Woke up in the middle of the night again having a nightmare, couldn't get back to sleep for ages but when I finally did drop off I was up again at 6am with toothache, IME toothache is one of the worst pains you can go through in your life, I took painkillers, swished warm salty water and even rubbed toothpaste on the sore tooth but still my mouth is in agony, It hurts so much I think I might actually start crying. oh and I've got a cold sore so my morning has been pretty shit but I did get up and make my mum a cup of coffee which is an achievement I suppose.

I actually cant wait to see my phycologist on the 30th, she's been off sick for the past 2 weeks so  I haven't be able to see her, I have so much shit built up in my head that I need to off load and all the stuff with Vikki is doing my head in, I spoke to a friend yesterday who told me Vikki's doing fine, she's been generally keeping herself busy and she's been to the cinema with the kids which she would never do when I was there unless I actually forced her, TBH she never wanted to do anything with me and the kids, I think spending time with me was like a chore to her and god help me if I asked her to spend any money, we only really done nice stuff if I paid for it and she gets a lot more money than I do. I tried to give her everything I could but it just feels like I failed her, nothing was ever good enough and the one thing I value more than anything else is loyalty and that's one thing she never gave me.

I honestly don't think it'll be long before Vikki finds somebody else, she falls in love really easily and this LGBTQ support group she's gonna be doing will be the perfect place for that to happen, why cant I just forget her? I know she doesn't love me and I know there's never gonna be an US again, so why do I keep hoping she'll ring, text or email? I don't know how to move on and I don't know if I ever will.

I'm feeling very sad today my depression is at its finest.

Sunday, 20 March 2016

A little bit of hope for all of us struggling

For month's now I've barely had the energy to get out of bed in the morning, I haven't been out of the house in over a week, I stopped showering and taking care of my self all because I have anxiety and depression, but today I got up, helped my mum prepare the Sunday dinner, had a shower and I even sat with my family to eat instead of shutting myself in my bedroom. I'm proud of myself today and I feel like maybe this is me getting a little bit better.

On Thursday I'm gonna attempt to go into town to get my hair cut, this will be a massive step for me as I've only done this once since October last year but I cant stay in my bed all my life I seriously need to make some changes. I want to be normal and be able to do normal things, l want to eventually be able to go to college then get a job, these things might sound simple to you but for a person with mental health issues those things can be very challenging and can also bring on unwanted thoughts, feelings and stress.

I hate that I cant do most things other people find so easy, I cant go to the cinema because I get overwhelmed by all the people, I cant eat out because I have a fear of choking, I cant go to party's or go shopping, I basically cant do anything that means leaving my safe zone which is my house. most people don't understand this and it can be really frustrating, my friend Kelsey doesn't understand she still now after knowing me for 11 years asks me if I wanna do things that she knows I'll never do, Vikki never really understood either she used to get mad at me a lot because she thought I was putting it on obviously I wasn't, there's no way you can fake a rapid heartbeat and excessive sweating, I found myself hiding my panic attacks from her and trying to do more than I felt comfortable with just because I didn't want to let her down anymore, I felt like she resented me for having this illness because I was always the one who took control of the house and the kids and then suddenly I couldn't do it anymore but what she didn't understand is how not being able to do the things I used to do made me feel, I hated myself more than she ever could and there was nobody more disappointed with them self than me, I felt like I failed her and the children and in a way I guess I did.

in about an hour I'm going to take my night time tablet which takes about an hour to knock me to sleep but for now I'm gonna get some food and a milkshake. put a film on and chill the fuck out, I might even browse mumsnet for a bit of a laugh!  so good night guys and to those of you who think they've failed in life and feel like giving up.... don't be scared to ask for help there's always someone out there who understands and is going through the same thing. Be proud of who you are!!

Saturday, 19 March 2016

Thoughs of today ( including more boring shit about vikki)

Today I've just been lying around on my bed doing random shit, I've got the radio on the TV and that drake and Rhianna song keeps coming on, I cant understand a fucking word of it, all I can hear is them saying some random made up words over and over again, I think I managed to make out the word work? well whatever it says, the song is shit and gives me a headache.

I feel super tired today and have some random pains in my chest which is quite scary TBH. My mum and sister are out all day at band camp (my sister is in a marching jazz band) and the dogs are doing my head in, Billie and Mollie are bouncing off the kitchen door, there in the kitchen because they destroy the house if my mams not in, elbi is asleep in the living room and Tootsie has spread herself right across my bed and is just being lazy with me.

my brain just wont switch off today, I have all these random thoughts just casually floating about in there, they're mostly about Vikki and how she hasn't been in touch for over a week and a half, I miss her like crazy but I'm not about to let her know that, if she missed me she would tell me right?, I don't believe she misses me, she told me just before we broke up that she was used to me not being there, she's got everything she needs now, she's got her kids, college, all the help and support she can get from the proper professionals, I haven't got anything to offer her apart from a few days a week of me having anxiety attacks and not being able to get out of bed, who wants to be lumbered with that?, I think she's gonna thrive without me, she's got nothing holding her back now, I bet I don't even cross her mind anymore its sad but I guess that's just the way it has to be. I'm trying to tell myself ill be okay but every now and then I break down, I just crumble thinking about some of the memories we shared together, even writing this I have tears in my eyes, I still haven't been able to bring myself to delete the photos of us but I'm sure I'll get there in the end.

I don't just miss Vikki, I miss her kids as well they were a big part of my life and I really thought we were going to grow in to a proper little family. Eliza is the youngest  she can be very stroppy if you upset her but she's generally so sweet and loving, she's gives the best hugs if your upset, listening to her singing random words brings a smile to my face. next, is sonny and he is one of the most well behaved kids I've ever met, he's helpful and down to earth, sonny struggles with his reading and writing but he definitely makes up for it with his sense of humour, he's actually a really funny little guy, he quite in touch with his emotions and understands a lot, I think he's gonna turn out be a very intelligent young man. Fred is the oldest boy, he's very tall for his age and often gets mistaken for being a lot older than he is, he's a bit of a stud with the ladies and very popular amongst his friends, I think Fred is gonna be a very successful Entrepreneur he got a natural talent for wheeling and dealing. lastly, is the twins Asha and Brandi, now I could write a story on these two but at the minute I'm actually really proud of them, they've over come a lot of obstacles in there short life and sometimes I was convinced they would never make it but they have proved me wrong and are turning into very respectable young ladies. I'm super proud of all Vikki's kids and although I might not say it very often, I love them all a lot and like Vikki they will always be in my heart.

Now I could bore you all day talking about how much I love Vikki but its pretty pointless when she doesn't feel the same, I suppose I'm still getting used to the fact that she wont be in my life anymore, I have these random moments where I think of something and just want to text and tell her then I have to remind my self that I wont get a reply and then I'll be depressed for days, so my safest bet is to write it on here at least then I know I'm safe and pretty confident she has no idea about my blog, she's not like me she doesn't obsess over me when I'm gone she just gets on with things, sometimes I do wish I could have that mentality, I wish I could just switch my feelings off and forget the world, instead I drive my self crazy by reading her blog, I then get that heart sinking feeling when I realise she hasn't ever mentioned me apart from to say that I have Facebook (which I really don't) and to basically just slag me off. definitely no one bit of love there at all, not even a hint. it turns out even when people say they'll always love you doesn't necessarily mean they actually will.

notes to myself:
  • stop reading Vikki's blog, she doesn't care and she doesn't miss you and its a bit stalkerish
  • stop dedicating songs to Vikki in your head, its weird
  • delete all pictures of Vikki, even the ones you have hidden in a secret album, you creep
  • stop saying goodnight to her, she cant fucking hear you
  • stop thinking she will suddenly change her mind, that's just not her is it?
  • stop thinking she's just gonna pop up with a new girlfriend and so what if she does, you have Tootsie and its only right she has a dog too 

I'm hilarious I know.

my best friend is actually an amazing stalker but she's also quite creepy ( if your reading this Kelsey, I'm joking obvs), we are very childish when we are together, we actually had a text conversation the other day and all the way through I referred to myself in the third person, it drove her crazy it was so funny that I actually nearly wee'd, anyway i'll write more about mine and Kelsey's crazy antics in another post when I can be bothered. Ta ta for now.

Music Is My Sanity

music is my lifeline, I listen to music all the time, when I'm stressed, when I'm sad, when I'm angry and when I'm happy, what I listen to depends on what mood I'm in.

music is more than just a song, its all about the lyrics for me, there's always one song I can relate to depending on how I'm feeling at the time. Below I'm gonna do a list of music I listen to and what mood I'm normally in when I listen to it.

when I'm stressed:
  • Eminem- Twisted
  • Eminem- 25 to life
  • Eminem- Stronger than I was
  • Eminem- Hallies song
  • Eminem- Bonnie and Clyde
  • Eminem ft. Lil Wayne- no love
  • Eminem ft. Elton john- Stan
  • Eminem- Cold wind blows
  • Eminem- Not afraid
  • Eminem- Lose yourself
  • Lawson- standing in the dark
  • Lawson- roads
  • Lawson- broken hearted

when I'm sad:
  • Adele - turning tables
  • Adele-  one and only
  • Adele- hello
  • Adele- when we were young
  • Bonnie Tyler- bitter blue
  • Bonnie Tyler loving you's a dirty job
  • Justin Bieber- love yourself
  • Little mix- secret love song
  • Ed Sheeran- little bird
  • Ed Sheeran - don't
  • Ellie Goulding- army
  • Lil Wayne- mirrors
  • Damien rice- cannonball
  • Elton john- sacrifice
  • Elton john- don't let the sun go down on me
  • Eminem- headlights
  • Eminem- mocking bird
  • Elton john- daniel

when I'm angry:
  • Goo-goo dolls-Iris
  • The killers- Mr Brightside
  • Sum 41- walking disaster
  • Sum41- pieces
  • Sum 41- in too deep
  • Hoobastank- reason
  • Eminem- beautiful
  • Eminem- beautiful pain
  • Eminem- guts over fear
  • Eminem- talking to myself
  • Eminem- wont back down
  • Devlin- runaway

when I'm happy:
  • Elton john- rocket man
  • Elton john- tiny dancer
  • Oasis- wonder wall
  • Queen- I want to break free
  • Bruno mars- lazy song
  • Bruno mars- uptown funk
  • Bruno mars- marry me
  • Cascarda- dancing in the dark
  • One direction- steal my girl
  • One direction- kiss you
  • One direction- best song ever
  • Little mix- salute
  • Justin Bieber- sorry
  • Charlie purth ft. Megan Trainor- Marvin Gaye
  • Omi- cheer leader
  • Ed sheeran- photograph
  • Ed sheeran- bloodstream

so there's a list of some of my favourite songs of all time and the mood I'm normally in when I listen to them, you probably noticed there's a lot of Eminem on the list, Eminem was all I listened to throughout the abuse, singing the lyrics helped me get angry without actually getting angry (if you see what I mean) all of his lyrics mean a lot to me, I can relate to nearly all of them and they all have a special meaning, Eminem is very passionate about his music and he raps about real life which gives all of his lyrics a deeper meaning.

No, your not seeing things,  there really is some Justin Bieber and One direction on the lists LOL!
I actually like most of there songs and I'm not afraid to admit it.... I also ship Larry and cant wait for them to be together properly.

Here's a few songs I'm into at the minute:
  • Mike posner- Ibiza
  • Jonas blue- fast car
  • Shawn Mendes- stitches
  • Zayn- pillow talk
  • MNEK- never forget you
  • Ellie Goulding- army
  • Adele- when we were young
  • One direction- history
  • Luke graham- 7 years
  • WSTRN- in2
  • Coldplay- hymn for the weekend
  • Little mix- secret love song part 2
  • Megan Trainor- No
  • James bay- best fake smile
  • Twenty one pilots- stressed out
  • Charlie puth- one call away

Friday, 18 March 2016

My thoughts and feelings for today

this is my favourite song at the minute, the lyrics mean a lot to me ( apart from the bit about the caravan) they remind me of someone very close to my heart.

I received a letter a few weeks ago, I quickly skimmed it and put away. it was a letter I had been expecting but wasn't ready to deal with it at the time. Today I took the letter out of my draw and sat down on my bed to read it, as soon as I finished reading I burst into tears, I was crying uncontrollably and couldn't stop and then the anxiety kicked in, I started shaking, sweating, I felt breathless, my heart was beating so fast that I though t it was going to explode, there was nobody in house and I was terrified but I over come the panic attack and for that I'm proud!.

The letter I received was from was from a probation officer connected to my brother, in the letter it stated that he will be getting out of jail next month (April 2016) now normally this wouldn't have bothered me as I'm quite good at blocking things out but this time was different, it was like something clicked in my brain and reality hit me, my brother the man that took away my innocence and destroyed my childhood, the man that is responsible for how fucked up I've turned out, the man that is the reason my relationship broke down will be freely walking the streets in less than 5 weeks..

I feel like this information is gonna put a big strain on my mental health so I'm trying to prepare my self and I'm going to use this blog as an outlet for everything I'm thinking and feeling. I haven't really got any friends I can talk to about this stuff, I've only got 2 close friends, 1 of them I see occasionally (normally when she's bored or had an argument with her girlfriend) and the other I speak to on the phone now and again, I have family but I don't really want to burden them with stuff about my brother as it upsets them to talk about it, I don't use Facebook or any other social networking site, sometimes I have a snoop on mumsnet if I want a laugh or to read similar story's to my own, I'm not interested in any kind of relationship or getting to know anybody in that context, I'm happy being single, going to bed with my dog and falling asleep watching my little pony on tiny pop.

Vikki really broke my heart and it will be a very long time (if ever) before I fall for that bullshit again.

My friends with four legs

Tootsie is a 11 year old jackadoodle, she is my best friend and my oldest dog. Tootsie reminds me of a grumpy old woman, she is very intelligent and understands everything you say but she isn't very friendly with other dogs, she prefers human interaction and will growl and bark if another dog comes near her. Tootsie is a very lazy dog who loves nothing more than being cuddled up with me, she loves attention and will do anything to get it, that includes barking at you, jumping up, licking, scratching your hand if she wants stroked and anything that will make you notice her. Tootsie has been my rock through my anxiety, she keeps me calm by snuggling up with me and letting me stroke her.

Billie is a 2 year old bichon frise, he was originally bought by my mum for my birthday but when I moved out I left him with my mum and he became her dog. Billie is very boisterous but very friendly, he loves people and adores other dogs, he loves nothing better than play fighting with the other dogs in the house, he is very intelligent and will tell you if he needs water, if he's hungry or if he wants a treat. Billie can be very jealous and will bark at you if you're giving another dog more attention than him, he loves getting picked up and cuddled but he will give you the odd lick. Billie is a bit of a stud and has already fathered 4 litters of puppies, he is a brilliant dad and an awesome dog.

Mollie is a 1 1/2 year old bichon frise, she is my sisters dog. Mollie is very timid and shy, it takes her a while to used to a new person and if she doesn't like you she wont go next you or let you stroke her but once she's around people she's comfortable with she is very friendly and playful, she loves other dogs but tends to get a bit ruff if you don't watch her. Mollie loves food, she will eat near enough anything but her favourite is cheese.

Elbi is a 8 week old Shichon, she is the puppy of my exes dog Elsa and my mums dog Billie. Elbi has one of the most comical personality I've ever seen in a dog, she is just finding her voice and is very vocal, if I tell her off she will do the most cutest little growl and bark. Elbi loves nothing more than playing chase with Billie and Mollie, she is a very happy and bouncy pup but can sometimes get into mischief, she has a habit of pinching socks and chewing the toes out of them, she's still learning to behave.

Thursday, 17 March 2016


I've been writing rap for a few years now, all my raps are about my life, this is a particular rap I wrote when me and Vikki first broke up and although it means nothing now I'd still like to share it.


The first time we met I'll never forget
Its the one thing in my life I'll never regret 
You were tall and sexy with long brown hair
Yes you had five kids but I didn't care
I remember the feeling when I first kissed your lips
The touch of your skin on my finger tips
You were sweet and funny with an amazing smile
I longed for the day I'd get you down the aisle
But all that changed and our love went sour
We'd sit there and argue hour after hour 
But there's nothing in the world you could ever say or ever do that will stop me fucking loving you
So you wanna go out and try new things?
Fuck everything that has a minge
Well you go ahead, but don't be sad
When it turns out I'm still the best you've ever had 
I don't want other girls it wont be the same 
Its only me and you in this love fucking game
Your the only girl that can break my heart
Tear it out and rip it apart
Now please remember miss Smith-Shaw
Your the only girl I've ever fucked on the bathroom floor
Now don't get mad and don't get crazy
Your the only one that'll ever be my princess baby 
You think I'm talking to all these other bitches
But I'm lying in bed with the shakes and twitches
I don't want any of those whores and slags 
Or any of them girls out of glamour mags
The only girl for me her name is Vikki
She drives me crazy and makes me sticky 
I cant think of anything else that rhymes
But I'm praying that we make it through these hard times.

A poem i wrote about anxiety

Anxiety is a killer

Anxiety is the fear that wont let me be
Its the fear that hurts but no one can see
Its the fear that makes my whole body shake
Its the fear that makes all my forced smiles fake
Its the fear that makes me stay in my bed
Its the fear that puts scary thoughts in my head
Its the fear that makes my lips and tongue tingle
Its the fear that makes me not want to mingle
Its the fear that makes my heart beat fast
Its the fear that makes me think each breath is my last
Its the fear that I'll never escape
Its the fear that comes in every shape
Its the fear that makes every muscle feel tight
Its the fear I'm afraid I'll never fight
Its the fear that makes me hide and cry
Its the fear that makes me want to die.

A Little Poem I Wrote.

I'm Torn Apart

I'm torn apart my heart is broken
no more sweet words from you will be spoken
no more laughing and no more tears
no more love carrying us through the years
no more cuddles and no more kisses
no more faith and no more wishes
no more fighting and no more hitting
no more venom will we be spitting
we've lost our dreams and we've lost our hope
our love has been hung by an invisible rope
no more hurting and no more pain
no more thinking each others insane
we both knew you had to say goodbye
these are the last tears I'll ever cry.

The devil that is mental health and the break down of my relationship.

Good morning, I haven't long woke up, I didn't sleep very well last night, I had a million things running through my brain and I just couldn't settle, I ended getting up at 2am and 6am to use the toilet so I'm probably going to be groggy all day. how fun!.

My life doesn't seem to be going very well lately and its all down to my mental health issues.

In October last year I fell ill, my anxiety and depression became a major problem in my life, I just couldn't function most days, I struggled to get out of bed because I felt like I couldn't breathe properly, I was shaking and sweating, my body kept twitching and my heart would race so fast that I thought it would explode, it got so bad that even doing little everyday tasks was to much effort. things got so bad that I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped showering, I stopped getting dressed, I stopped doing my hair and eventually I stopped getting out of bed,  I just didn't care anymore. it was a really hard time in my life and I was so scared, I thought there was something really wrong with me.

In January this year I was on the verge of a break down, I couldn't eat, I was literally terrified of everything, I wouldn't go out of the house, I didn't like talking or seeing anybody apart from my Vikki, I couldn't watch anything apart from cartoons because everything else set off my anxiety, I was hysterical, screaming that I felt like I was dying one minute and screaming I was going to kill my self the next, all I done was cry, I went to the hospital numerous times because I thought I was having a heart attack, they would check my heart and send me home, I ended up believing I had some mystery illness that couldn't be detected, I didn't want to be here anymore, I felt so alone and nobody believed me because I 'looked' fine but Inside I was a dying and nobody knew how to help me.

Vikki tried her best but I suppose I was just too much for her, she had a lot on with college and 3 kids to look after, I was just becoming a burden to her, she hated me and our relationship was deteriorating very fast, Vikki became distant and cold, we never really spoke anymore and there was no affection, she just kept saying she was tired after college but I think it was more than that, she made excuses not to spend time with me, we argued a lot and she told me more than once she didn't want to be with me, I know it was my fault, I was expecting to much from her and she had her own problems to deal with but her mental health was very stable, she was doing well at college, she had been appointed student governor, I was very proud of her but also very sad as I was getting left behind.

On the 10th of January this year I moved back home to live with my mother and sister, now this wasn't something I wanted to do but I needed help and support and Vikki had enough to cope with, she just didn't have time for me and I understood that, I didn't want to burden her anymore and it wasn't fair on her or the children to see me the way I was. I made my decision based on the best interest of Vikki, the children and me, it wasn't a selfish decision, it was one that was best for all of us but understandably Vikki was very hurt by this and said if I left that it was the end of me and her, I begged her to rethink her decision, I didn't want to break up, I just wanted to get better so I could be a better girlfriend to her and a better parent to her children that I had unknowingly neglected since I fell ill. Vikki didn't change her mind and I left angry, hurt and heartbroken.

The first day at my mums was one of the hardest days of my life, my anxiety was sky high, I couldn't sit still, I was shaking, sweating, me head was spinning and I felt like I was gonna stop breathing at any second, I was a nervous wreck so my mum got me an emergency doctors appointment for that day. once I was in the doctors room my body seemed to calm, I felt relief for the first times in months, I felt safe, my doctor is brilliant and I have major respect for her as she was the doctor that found my mums cervical cancer and practically saved her life. I spoke to the doctor for about 45 minutes, I broke down and told her everything, she diagnosed me with depression and panic disorder and prescribed 3 different types of medication (propranolol, sertraline and mirtazapine) and also referred me to talking therapies for a course of psychology. I felt a little better when I left the doctors but the anxiety was still there in the background, trying to push its way through, fighting for my attention.

It was a few days before I was well enough to try and contact Vikki, she hadn't tried to make contact with me since I left and after trying for a few days she still didn't want to talk to me and she hadn't changed her mind about our relationship. I was heartbroken, I really needed her support and she just turned her back on me, I became obsessive and started texting her all the time, begging her to change her mind, she obviously got sick of me and changed her number, I still didn't give up on her though, I sent her an email every day for 6 weeks which I admit seems a bit stalkerish but I didn't want to give up on us, we had been through so much together I just couldn't justify our relationship ending the way it did.

On a Friday 6 weeks after I moved back home, my mum had a phone call off one of Vikki's twin daughters Asha, Asha asked my mum if she could speak to me, I was in my room when my mum brought the phone through. me and Asha chatted for about  15 mins, I asked how she was and she asked if I had spoke to her mum, I replied that I hadn't spoke to her mum for about 6 weeks, Asha then told me she hadn't been able to get InTouch with her mum for weeks and she was starting to worry as she was meant to be visiting her the next day, I told Asha I would email her mum and ask her to get in touch with Asha ASAP. after I come off the phone I started to really worry about Vikki and wondered why she hadn't been in contact with her daughter, I sent an email but just as I suspected I got no reply and in the end I decided I was going to go to Vikki's house and make sure she was okay.

I arrived at Vikki's about an hour n a half after I had spoke to Asha, I was very nervous as I didn't know how she was going to react to seeing me for the first time in 6 weeks, the front door was open so I walked in, Vikki's two youngest children were downstairs in the dining room, I asked the youngest of the two where her mum was and she replied that Vikki was upstairs, as I walked up the stairs my heart started beating uncontrollably, the palms of my hands were sweaty and my legs were shaking, I was felt nervous but also excited, I reached the top step and seen Vikki's bedroom door open, I seen her standing there in a towel, she must have just come out of the shower, I walked towards her bedroom and she turned around to see me, she looked shocked, we just stared at each other for a few seconds, neither of us spoke until Vikki finally asked why I was here, I sat down on our bed and explained about the phone call off Asha and how she was worried about her, Vikki didn't say a lot apart from that she would ring Asha in the morning, she then pulled me towards her into a hug and asked if I would stay with her that night, I said I would and I ended up staying until Tuesday. I made it clear to Vikki that I couldn't come back and live with her full time because I still needed a lot of care that she couldn't give me due to other commitments.

Me and Vikki were on and off for the next four weeks she was happy when I stayed at hers but as soon as I came home for the doctors and psychology she would finish with me by claiming she couldn't cope with me being away and it was setting her mental health off, the first two times I begged her to take me back and she did but the last time she finished with me, I told her not to contact me again, its been just over a week now and we haven't spoke once and this time I don't think we will again, I've been reading her bog and she seems a lot happier, she's doing brilliant at college and I read she's been asked to start a support group for LGBTQ which is brilliant as she struggles to make friends and hopefully this will help her bond with people and I'm sure she'll make a lot of new friends. Vikki is a very friendly, intelligent and talkative woman and I wish nothing but the best for her, all I ever wanted was for her to be happy and it looks like she is, its just sad that it had to be without me. I will always hold a special pace in my heart for Vikki, she means more to me than anything. I lost her love through anxiety and depression but it will never take away my love for her.

One day I will beat this life crippling illness but for now I'm taking one day at times and learning how to cope with the symptoms. I'm getting better slowly and that's enough for me at the minute.

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

A letter to vikki

Yesterday my ex Vikki decided to write a blog about me, well this is my reply.

Dear Vikki

I seen the blog you wrote about me and I wanted to take the time to reply.

you said in your blog that I lied about having Facebook, you were wrong I didn't lie, I haven't been on Facebook since I left your home in January, the particular Facebook you're talking about is either the Facebook that got hacked or the Facebook YOU changed the password to, but you already know all this don't you? because you were there both times. its sad that you feel the need to spout lies about me on your blog instead of just asking me if I done what you've accused me of, as you know if you asked I will tell the truth.

you also said that you were nothing to me and you weren't good enough for me , you were wrong again, you meant everything to me, I lived my life to please you, I trusted you with my deepest secret, something I had never told anyone before, I was mesmerized by your personality and your beauty, I had never wanted anyone as much as you and I gave up so much just to be with you, I took on your children and treat them like my own, I helped you achieve your dream of going to college, I supported your choice of becoming a carpenter, I done my very best to help you, I gave you freedom, I was never violent and I never cheated on you, when I first met you I seen a beauty I had never seen before but I also seen a tortured soul, a woman who was deeply hurting, a woman that had been through so much her only option was to be strong, I seen a woman desperate to be cherished and loved.

it was never my plan to fall in love with you I thought love was beyond me, I had never wanted to leave myself that vulnerable before, to me love meant weakness and weakness meant hurt, I didn't want to hurt again, I had done enough of that through my childhood. Before I met you I had never told anybody apart from family that I loved them, you really were my first love.

I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship but I learnt by them, I also forgave all your mistakes because I assumed you learnt by them too, we grew a lot together in our 3 year relationship, we went through stuff that most couples don't go through at all, we have a lot of history. all the fears and insecurities you have are because of past relationships, both made our relationship very difficult but I never stop loving you through any of it.

me and you both suffered horrific but different abuse in our childhoods, that abuse lead to us develop severe mental health problems which put a massive strain on our relationship, you have PTSD and some kind of personality disorder and I have anxiety and depression, neither of us can cope with each other while our mental health is bad, we bring on each others triggers  and that's why every once in a while we need a break from each other, normally a few weeks is enough but this time was different, we had fucked each other up so much that we said this time is really the end, I never wanted that and for a while a didn't think you did either I thought after a few days you would change your mind but you didn't.

I started reading your blog a few days ago, you wrote about your life before you met me, your life when you first met me and your life now but not once was I mentioned in any of it, that really hurt me, I felt like I never existed to you, you wrote about your illness, your children, college, friendships and even the old neighbour you hate but never once did you mention me, the supposed love of your life, the person who gave you everything she could, the person that risked her own health to be with you, the person that put your needs before her own every time, the person that took on so much so young just because she believed in you, the person that told you she loved you everyday even when you went out of your way to hurt her, the person that defended you even though you were in the wrong, the person that told you how beautiful you are and meant it, the person that stood by your side and cared for you when nobody else did and finally the person who still wants to be with you even after you've broke her heart a million times over.

I think about you everyday, every song that comes on the radio is your song, at night I imagine you asleep next to me, I cry myself to sleep most nights but I dream the most beautiful dreams about you, then I wake up and reality sets in and I remember that you don't want me anymore, I don't fit in with your 'changes' or your new student life, I'm too much hard work for you.

Lastly, I just want to say that I hope life is good to you and I hope you achieve all your dreams. I hope you finally find the wife you've been looking for and I hope she treats you right and loves you the way you deserve.

You'll always be in my heart, all my love. The one that you forgot.

Monday, 14 March 2016

Why did i trust vikki above everybody else?

So a few days ago i got asked a question that really made me think, the question came as a surprise and i wasnt ready to answer it at the time but I've really thought about it for the past few day and im ready to share my answer now.

The question i got asked was "why did you trust vikki above evryone else to tell your story of the abuse you suffered?" Now im gonna try and answer the question as best as i can below.

Vikki told me she loved me quite quckly and while i felt the same, i couldnt say it back straight away, i was scared, i didnt want to jinx what we had, i had learnt during my abuse that love ment nothing because when you love someone it leaves a window for them to hurt you and abuse your trust,  love leaves you vulnerable and weak, i didnt want to invite someone to potentially break my heart again.

When i think back to 3 years ago and i remember falling in love for the first time in my life, all the feelings i felt come flooding back, all the butterfiles, all the tingles, the racing heart and breathless moments, it was a very magical time but Being in love with vikki WAS NOT the reason i trusted her enough to tell her my deepest darkest secret, i also loved my family but i still never told them because LOVE does not come into it, LOVE does not mean anything, people who love you and people you love can still fuck you over in an instant.

So WHY DID I TRUST VIKKI MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE?-  i didnt trust vikki because of the feelings i felt for her, i trused vikki because of the qualities i seen in her, i seen a strong, confident, intelligent, protective woman. Vikki made me feel safe for the first time since i was 6, i felt protected and i knew vikki had been through a very difficult childhood heself so i knew she would understand why i kept it to my self for 15 years, vikki was just as fucked up as me and thats why i felt i could tell her my deepest darkest secret, vikki was my saviour and for that i will be eternally grateful.

Sunday, 13 March 2016

My brother, my abuser part 2

In my first post about the abuse I suffered as a child I wasn't ready to go into very much detail but I'm going to try again to write about my experience, above is a link that is pretty relevant to this post.

My brother glen was 8 years older than me, we had the same mum but different dads. We grew up in the same house and up until I was 6 I loved him and I trusted him but all that changed when he decided to take away my innocence and destroy my childhood.

From what i can remember Glen was always a quiet boy he wasn't interested in girls or football or cars, he was interested in computer games and fishing. Glen went to a school for kids with special needs because he struggled a lot with his reading and writing, he didn't have a lot of friends and was very immature, his mentality was always a few years behind his age.

At home glen spent most of his time in his bedroom, playing computer games or teaching his pet rats some tricks, glen came across secretive and never really showed his emotions but he had a wicked temper, he was scary when he was angry, he would smash things up and scream and shout, there was a few times he'd slap me across the legs for being naughty.

I want to explain the abuse but I don't want to go into a lot of detail as its still very raw but Here it goes....

As I have explained briefly in my other posts, i was 6 when the abuse stared, so glen would have been 14, he didn't come into my room at night or force himself on me, he was a lot cleverer than that, he knew I loved and trusted him because he was my brother so he made the abuse into a game, sometimes it was mummy's and daddy's, sometimes it was doctors and nurses and sometimes he just made up his own games. I was a child and I was happy my brother wanted to play with me, i was happy that someone was taking an interest in my life. My mum had been so busy lately with my new baby sister, I was feeling forgotten and left out, it felt like glen was the only person who cared about me.

The games with glen started off very innocent, we'd play dolly's or I'd watch him on the computer, it all seemed very normal but now I realise he was just gaining my trust and making me feel comfortable before he made his move.

The first time glen sexually abused me, I didn't even know it had happened, I felt uncomfortable and something about the way he touched me felt wrong but he was my brother, he loved me and would never hurt me right? WRONG!!. I remember forgetting about the abuse quite quickly, I guess I just blocked it out, I didn't say anything because I didn't really understand what had happened and I didn't know why felt the way I did.

The abuse escalated quite quickly, it went from maybe every 2 weeks to several times a week, glen wasn't as friendly and loving as he was at the beginning either, he wouldn't play games that I wanted to play and he would get really angry if I didn't want to play his 'games', sometimes I'd cry because I didn't want to play but this just made him angrier, he would shout at me for not touching him properly and he'd threaten to smack me if I wouldn't let him touch me, by this time I knew what he was doing was wrong, it hurt and made me feel dirty and sad, I'd lie in bed at night crying and wishing someone would come and save me.

The abuse had been going on for about a year now, it was happening nearly every day, I was powerless, I couldn't tell anybody because who would believe me? Glen said mum would never take my side over his, he told me I would be sent always and I would never see my family again and I believed him.

That's all I feel I can write right now but ill be back with more soon.

Drink, drugs and anxiety

This post is gonna be how the effects of the abuse have changed my life and made me into the person i am today.
So i have been suffering with anxiety and depression for 10 years (since i was 14), its been a long and hard journey that at times i didnt think i would survive.
When i was 13 life was quite good, the abuse had stopped and i was free although i still lived with my abuser, life was pretty normal, i was at high school and had a good group of friends, i had my best friend who i’d met that year, she was new to the school and i soon found out she was just as crazy and weird as me.
I was happy for the first time in years but that soon changed, once i hit 14 i started drinking and experimenting with drugs, i was hanging around with a group of 7 girls and 1 boy, we all had difficult childhoods and felt we all fitted together.
We started with drinking at the weekends for a bit of fun but it soon escalated in to most nights after school and then drugs were intruduced, just a bit of weed at fist then a bit of speed to help us stay up all night, i thought we were having harmless fun but for me it turned into something alot deeper.
I started to notice that the drinking and drugs made me feel better, made me forget things that had happend and made me feel normal, even when my friends werent doing them, i  was.
I remember my very first panic attack like it was yesterday, i was with my best friend at a close mates house who was alot older than us, i hadnt had a drink but we did have a smoke with my close friend and her partner, i was sitting laughing and joking when suddenly i felt like i couldn’t breathe, my head felt fuzzy and i was sweating, i stood up and said i needed to go home, my friends asked if i was okay, i didnt answer i just left, they were to stoned to follow me so i was on my own. I remember thinking i was gonna pass out, i felt so paranoid and panicky i wanted to get home so bad that i practically ran, luckily it was just up the street so it wasnt long before i was walking in the front door, i went upstairs to the living room, my heart was beating so fast, my hand were clammy and i felt sick but i just wanted to lie down. I went straight to bed and must have fell asleep.
When i woke up in the morning i felt fragile and strange, like i had a hangover, I decided then that i was nevee gonna touch drugs again.
After that night the panic attacks became a daily occurrence and they were becoming quite a problem,i didnt know what was happening or why, i thought i had a life threating illness, i really felt like i was gonna die and became very depressed, my mum noticed and took me to the doctors, they told me i had anxiety and depression.
I continued to drink right through my teenage years and as the years went on the drinking became more frequent but it wasnt enjoyable anymore it was purley to block out the pain of my childhood, it also helped me cope with anxiety, if i was drunk i didnt feel the symptoms of the anxiety but that all changed when i stopped drinking at the age of 21.
At the age of 21 i stopped drinking (ill explain why in another post) and thats when the anxiety hit me like a tun of bricks, i felt everything, every little twinge and ache but it felt 10x worse. The symtoms of my anxiety were all physical and very scary, i was a nervous wreck, everything was suddenly terrifying. I was scared to leave the house in case something bad happened, scared to sleep, scared to eat, at some points i was even scared to live, i had become a shadow of my former self, i couldn’t even remember the happy teenager i once was.
Next installment will be my life from 21 til now and how i met my saviour.