Friday, 18 March 2016

My thoughts and feelings for today

this is my favourite song at the minute, the lyrics mean a lot to me ( apart from the bit about the caravan) they remind me of someone very close to my heart.

I received a letter a few weeks ago, I quickly skimmed it and put away. it was a letter I had been expecting but wasn't ready to deal with it at the time. Today I took the letter out of my draw and sat down on my bed to read it, as soon as I finished reading I burst into tears, I was crying uncontrollably and couldn't stop and then the anxiety kicked in, I started shaking, sweating, I felt breathless, my heart was beating so fast that I though t it was going to explode, there was nobody in house and I was terrified but I over come the panic attack and for that I'm proud!.

The letter I received was from was from a probation officer connected to my brother, in the letter it stated that he will be getting out of jail next month (April 2016) now normally this wouldn't have bothered me as I'm quite good at blocking things out but this time was different, it was like something clicked in my brain and reality hit me, my brother the man that took away my innocence and destroyed my childhood, the man that is responsible for how fucked up I've turned out, the man that is the reason my relationship broke down will be freely walking the streets in less than 5 weeks..

I feel like this information is gonna put a big strain on my mental health so I'm trying to prepare my self and I'm going to use this blog as an outlet for everything I'm thinking and feeling. I haven't really got any friends I can talk to about this stuff, I've only got 2 close friends, 1 of them I see occasionally (normally when she's bored or had an argument with her girlfriend) and the other I speak to on the phone now and again, I have family but I don't really want to burden them with stuff about my brother as it upsets them to talk about it, I don't use Facebook or any other social networking site, sometimes I have a snoop on mumsnet if I want a laugh or to read similar story's to my own, I'm not interested in any kind of relationship or getting to know anybody in that context, I'm happy being single, going to bed with my dog and falling asleep watching my little pony on tiny pop.

Vikki really broke my heart and it will be a very long time (if ever) before I fall for that bullshit again.

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