Friday, 8 April 2016

My untold story

My life has been, far from easy, my brother? yeah he's fucking sleazy, he stole my innocence, my childhood too, made me do things I didn't wanna do, he fucked me up and tore me down, he's the reason for my constant frown, he's the reason that I used the blade and every cut I'd like to dedicate, for all the times he made me cry and all the the times he made me wanna die, he made me hide his deep dark secret, said my mother would die, if I didn't keep it but in the end he was the was the one that failed when the truth ended up with him getting jailed, a year and 8 months in a prison cell, I hope you went through fucking hell, I hope you cried night after night, I hope you had days when you didn't wanna fight, I hope you felt all the pain I did, when I was only a little kid, I was 6 years old when it started to unfold, let's play a game is what I was told but it wasn't a game, was it bro? All your love was just for show, but I must admit i learnt a few things, like, all devils have angel wings and life is not, all rainbows and kittens, you'll get hated if you don't fit in, society is so fucked up these days, unless you fit the fucking mold, your story will always be left untold!

Thursday, 7 April 2016

your worst nightmare!

Your worst nightmare

Your just a crazy lady, ill make you famous baby ill write songs about our life and how you nearly became my wife just like shady did with kim, ill be your Marshall, your eminem and when i'm through, you will hate me but you'll still wanna date me 'cause true love never dies no matter how hard you try it just gets under your skin and fucks you hard within and theres just no escape, no matter what road you take, ill always be there in your head, ill be the sheets on your bed, ill be the sun in the sky, ill be that evil little lie, i will take over your soul untill you lose all control, ill do what you done to me and you will beg to be free but that wont work this time i'll just start another rhyme and I'll write rap after rap untill i fall off the map and theres nothing left no more but one fucking encore so untill theres no lyrics left to share ill be your fucking worst nightmare.

Monday, 4 April 2016

One for the road (rap song)

A narcissists love

Theres so much shit in my brain, that woman she drives me insane, the sleeping pills have no effect, there was no love, just neglect, she turned out evil to the core, stripped my down soul till it was raw, cant belive that she was my wish, that evil narrsasstic bitch, wanted me to follow her rules like she was my teacher at school, she would flip at the drop of a hat, throw in a few puches, some slaps, i couldnt do anything right, could barely breathe without a fight but i love her to bits, maybe control is how she gets her kicks, we all have a dark side deep down that most of us disguise with a crown its only when the halo slips, we see the chains and the whips, they've already got you on side so there no more reasons to hide the devil inside of their soul thats buried deep down like a mole and theres no way to escape, love has already started to overtake, she grinds you into the ground your scared you'll never be found, she turns the truth into lies, slowly your faith and hope dies, theres nothing left just a shell, you survived three years of this hell, its time for you to be strong, pick up your pieces, move on

Sunday, 3 April 2016

Letting go

Today I'm making the decision to let go of Vikki, I'm never going to stop loving her or caring about her but I need to stop torturing myself and be happy with the memories of us together instead of focusing on the pain of not having her in my life. I know she's happy, I know she's doing okay and most importantly I know she doesn't want me as a lover, as a friend or even in her life at all.

Friday was so hard for me, everything came crashing down and I caved, I cried all day I couldn't control my feelings anymore, I was sobbing non stop, I just wanted to escape all the pain , I wanted to end it all, I felt trapped and desperate. I emailed Vikki asking if I could go and stay with her, she point blank said no and truth be told, it fucking hurt, like a knife through my heart getting twisted and turned, anxiety hit hard, like hands around my neck squeezing the life out of me, I searched for something to help me release the pain but nothing I found would cut my skin so eventually I gave up feeling like a failure, a failure of life and a failure of death.. I made my self a nest in my bed and shut myself away from the world and cried until I feel asleep.

Saturday, I felt much better but maybe a bit angry with everyone because once again nobody was there when I needed them the most, my family could hear my sobs but nobody came to ask if I was alright or to comfort me, is it normal these days to just turn your back on people in need or has society became so fucked up that you get called selfish or attention seeking if you ask for help? no wonder there's so many people that commit suicide, they know that even if they ask 9 times out of 10 nobody will come or they'll get told so stop being dramatic and selfish. in my world if you know you might be able to save somebody's life by talking to them or just being a friend and being there, you do It without hesitation especially if your supposed to care and love that person, why make them feel so alone that they have to seek help from strangers or end there life. I was strong this time and I didn't seek help from anyone else even though the people that are supposed to love me turned there backs on me and in the past I would have been weak and rang up a friend I hadn't seen or spoke to in years just because I needed someone to talk me out of hurting myself. I'm always the person helping people when there down, giving advice, lending an ear but who's there for me? NOBODY!

Today, I woke up feeling happy, the sun was shining and my head felt much clearer then I made a big mistake, I got caught up in my good mood and thought it would be a good idea to ask Vikki if she wanted to go for a walk since the weather was good but she's declined and started throwing digs at me about the past but I was strong, I told her I wouldn't ask again and hope she had a nice day, yeah in reality my heart broke and tears filled my eyes but what the point in trying anymore, she's moved on, she's happy without me, she's certainly not holding back and she's proved she doesn't care or have any feelings for me so why am I still totally hung up on her, why cant I move on and not care? well today I think I'm gonna have to do just that.