Wednesday, 13 July 2016

A few months later!

i haven't wrote for a while so I'm just gonna do a little update :)

I just wanna write about the past few months and how things have changed. Firstly my anxiety and depression has improved a lot although very slowly. My anxiety attacks have become less and less and I even have odd days when I don't have them, my depression is still there but it doesn't show its self as much, I have lots of good days but still some very bad days. My anxiety over social situations has improved immensely, I started off going into town to get my hair cut and then I took a leap and went to the cinema with friends which actually went surprisingly well, over the past few months I've been pushing myself to do more and it's working, I even managed to go to Leeds for the weekend to visit my friend, the journey down there went absolutely fine but once I was there the nervousness started to kick in but I came through it and actually had an amazing weekend and met some lovely people.

My social circle has improved massively, I've met a few new people who have turned out to be good friends and I've also got my old friends back but I've also lost friends due to me realising they were no good for my mental health. I'm very grateful to my close friends who have stood by me and supported me through all the hard times and also the good times, so a big shoutout to Julie and Jamie, you guys are amazing and I love you both! 

My love life, well this hasn't changed very much, although I'm starting to get over vikki and it doesn't hurt as much, I still have bad days where all I do is think about her, she was a massive part of my life and I do miss that but I also know I don't want her back, I still love her and I've accepted that I will for a very long time, maybe I'll always love her but that's okay, you know why? Because at least I know it was real!. I've had a few girls wanting to be with me but the attention and feelings haven't been returned, I just haven't been ready for a relationship or anything like that, I quite like being single and figuring out who I am. I suppose I'm starting all over again, things like watching tv, listening to music, going out and socialising, even things like meeting new people are things I was never allowed to do while I was with vikki so doing them now is actually quite strange and sometimes I have to remind myself that it's okay to do those things without feeling guilty. I felt guilty for quite a while about talking to girls and stuff it almost felt like I was cheating on vikki, I've only just started to realise that I shouldn't be feeling like that, she's moved on and it's okay for me to do the same. Somedays I just have to tell myself she never loved me and didn't care so neither should I. 

So yeah, things are looking up and I'm looking forward to exciting things happening in the future, I'm  waiting to hear from a landlord about a flat and I have days out planned with Julie, sheree and Tylah, things are pretty good at the minute and I feel pretty positive and happy.

Friday, 8 April 2016

My untold story

My life has been, far from easy, my brother? yeah he's fucking sleazy, he stole my innocence, my childhood too, made me do things I didn't wanna do, he fucked me up and tore me down, he's the reason for my constant frown, he's the reason that I used the blade and every cut I'd like to dedicate, for all the times he made me cry and all the the times he made me wanna die, he made me hide his deep dark secret, said my mother would die, if I didn't keep it but in the end he was the was the one that failed when the truth ended up with him getting jailed, a year and 8 months in a prison cell, I hope you went through fucking hell, I hope you cried night after night, I hope you had days when you didn't wanna fight, I hope you felt all the pain I did, when I was only a little kid, I was 6 years old when it started to unfold, let's play a game is what I was told but it wasn't a game, was it bro? All your love was just for show, but I must admit i learnt a few things, like, all devils have angel wings and life is not, all rainbows and kittens, you'll get hated if you don't fit in, society is so fucked up these days, unless you fit the fucking mold, your story will always be left untold!

Thursday, 7 April 2016

your worst nightmare!

Your worst nightmare

Your just a crazy lady, ill make you famous baby ill write songs about our life and how you nearly became my wife just like shady did with kim, ill be your Marshall, your eminem and when i'm through, you will hate me but you'll still wanna date me 'cause true love never dies no matter how hard you try it just gets under your skin and fucks you hard within and theres just no escape, no matter what road you take, ill always be there in your head, ill be the sheets on your bed, ill be the sun in the sky, ill be that evil little lie, i will take over your soul untill you lose all control, ill do what you done to me and you will beg to be free but that wont work this time i'll just start another rhyme and I'll write rap after rap untill i fall off the map and theres nothing left no more but one fucking encore so untill theres no lyrics left to share ill be your fucking worst nightmare.

Monday, 4 April 2016

One for the road (rap song)

A narcissists love

Theres so much shit in my brain, that woman she drives me insane, the sleeping pills have no effect, there was no love, just neglect, she turned out evil to the core, stripped my down soul till it was raw, cant belive that she was my wish, that evil narrsasstic bitch, wanted me to follow her rules like she was my teacher at school, she would flip at the drop of a hat, throw in a few puches, some slaps, i couldnt do anything right, could barely breathe without a fight but i love her to bits, maybe control is how she gets her kicks, we all have a dark side deep down that most of us disguise with a crown its only when the halo slips, we see the chains and the whips, they've already got you on side so there no more reasons to hide the devil inside of their soul thats buried deep down like a mole and theres no way to escape, love has already started to overtake, she grinds you into the ground your scared you'll never be found, she turns the truth into lies, slowly your faith and hope dies, theres nothing left just a shell, you survived three years of this hell, its time for you to be strong, pick up your pieces, move on

Sunday, 3 April 2016

Letting go

Today I'm making the decision to let go of Vikki, I'm never going to stop loving her or caring about her but I need to stop torturing myself and be happy with the memories of us together instead of focusing on the pain of not having her in my life. I know she's happy, I know she's doing okay and most importantly I know she doesn't want me as a lover, as a friend or even in her life at all.

Friday was so hard for me, everything came crashing down and I caved, I cried all day I couldn't control my feelings anymore, I was sobbing non stop, I just wanted to escape all the pain , I wanted to end it all, I felt trapped and desperate. I emailed Vikki asking if I could go and stay with her, she point blank said no and truth be told, it fucking hurt, like a knife through my heart getting twisted and turned, anxiety hit hard, like hands around my neck squeezing the life out of me, I searched for something to help me release the pain but nothing I found would cut my skin so eventually I gave up feeling like a failure, a failure of life and a failure of death.. I made my self a nest in my bed and shut myself away from the world and cried until I feel asleep.

Saturday, I felt much better but maybe a bit angry with everyone because once again nobody was there when I needed them the most, my family could hear my sobs but nobody came to ask if I was alright or to comfort me, is it normal these days to just turn your back on people in need or has society became so fucked up that you get called selfish or attention seeking if you ask for help? no wonder there's so many people that commit suicide, they know that even if they ask 9 times out of 10 nobody will come or they'll get told so stop being dramatic and selfish. in my world if you know you might be able to save somebody's life by talking to them or just being a friend and being there, you do It without hesitation especially if your supposed to care and love that person, why make them feel so alone that they have to seek help from strangers or end there life. I was strong this time and I didn't seek help from anyone else even though the people that are supposed to love me turned there backs on me and in the past I would have been weak and rang up a friend I hadn't seen or spoke to in years just because I needed someone to talk me out of hurting myself. I'm always the person helping people when there down, giving advice, lending an ear but who's there for me? NOBODY!

Today, I woke up feeling happy, the sun was shining and my head felt much clearer then I made a big mistake, I got caught up in my good mood and thought it would be a good idea to ask Vikki if she wanted to go for a walk since the weather was good but she's declined and started throwing digs at me about the past but I was strong, I told her I wouldn't ask again and hope she had a nice day, yeah in reality my heart broke and tears filled my eyes but what the point in trying anymore, she's moved on, she's happy without me, she's certainly not holding back and she's proved she doesn't care or have any feelings for me so why am I still totally hung up on her, why cant I move on and not care? well today I think I'm gonna have to do just that.

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Thearpy session 1 and What i learned today

Today has been quite productive, I got up, got ready and seen my therapist, we agreed to 16 weekly sessions of CAT (cognitive analytic therapy) based on relationships with other people and more importantly my relationship with myself, this therapy is aimed at helping me love myself and coming to terms with fact that no matter how much I love someone I'm not always gonna get the same kind of love back, we are only responsible for our own actions. my therapist  told me that she thinks I love too much and I've spent my whole life trying to protect people and there feelings that I forgot to protect my own, she also explained that I cant stop Vikki telling lies about me or thinking the worst but I can choose to ignore it, I can choose to let her live her life the way she wants because I know the people that matter to me know the truth and just because I kept a secret for 15 years does not make me a liar and just because I spoke to my friends in times of need does not make me a cheater, mistakes you've made do not define you they are purely made so we can learn from them. cheating is sexual and romantic, friendship is not cheating, someone talking you out of suicide is not cheating, getting your photo took is not cheating. my therapist made a brilliant point she made me think about things that never made sense before, Vikki is accusing me of the things she's done, she's moved on and replaced me so to make her self feel better she convinces herself I've done the same, all the times she cheated on me, she made up situations in which I had done the same to justify her own actions the difference is she had no proof or evidence so she filled in the blanks and concocted her own version of events to which she spread around so people would believe her without the rumour directly coming from her, a liar needs validation so they will tell anybody that they think will listen to them and will write about it which convinces them even more that there own lie is the truth, there's also victim blaming, where you take a situation and twist it so the victim looks like the perpetrator, like what she done with my abuse by saying "maybe they were experimenting" or the phase "sleeping with your brother for 10 years" and in argument she has actually said " well at least I didn't shag my brother" and then the Steven situation, she tried to blame me for not loving her properly told me I should love her like he did, theres lots more examples but there the main ones, vikki lies to be the victim she like people feeling sorry for her, she likes to be the abused party because that's all shes ever known but she done it to the wrong person this time.

The sad thing about all this is, I don't hate Vikki in fact I'm still very much in love with her and I know I would take her back despite everything, now why would I do that if I could have someone else, someone more normal?, why would my whole life revolve around Vikki?, why would I sit here writing about her day after day, she not doing the same for me in fact she's doing the opposite, she blocked my accounts so she doesn't feel guilty, so she cant see how much I'm hurting and so can continue to believe her own lies because in her eyes there's no proof so she can believe what she wants but people will see the truth and people will realise what she's actually like. I stay in the house 24/7 I have depression and anxiety, I left her home because I needed looked after, I have no friends, I have no Facebook, the only people I see is my mum, my sisters, my step dad and my best friend, I don't watch TV, the only social media I have is this blog, google+ and Pinterest and there all publically visible, there's no secret messages or secret meetings, I don't go anywhere or doing anything so there certainly nobody else there's no opportunity or motive, Vikki on the other hand goes to college, talks to anybody and everybody, goes out daily, sends private messages to people, has a million opportunity's to meet someone else and even has the motive of "well you done it first" but yet she still accuses me of being the cheat and the one that's moved on and replaced her, the only person I could ever replace her with is my fucking dog because that's the only person who gets in my bed. I hope she's happy in whatever she's doing and I hope she gets help for her mental health and achieves everything she wants and as painful as it is to say but I really hope she finds love, real love that makes her want to be a better person, the same kind of love I had for her, Vikki changed me and I'm a better person now than I ever was and for the first time time time in 18 years I'm ready to fight for my life back, I'm ready to be what I was supposed to be, I'm ready to just be me, I hope she manages to fight her demons and become what I know she is capable of.

I'll always love you Vikki and I'll never forget you.
todays the day I take a leaf out of your book and get my life back
I wanna learn to be happy just like you are
I wanna to forget all my feeling for you just like you have for me
I want to be proud of myself just like I am of you
I'm gonna prove that I am a good person and your lies wont work.
goodbye and god bless m one true love.

Terri and Vikki ( lies and deceit)

So in the past week, I found out my brothers getting out of jail in the next 2 weeks, my ex has completely cut me out of her life, she's blocked my number, blocked me on google+ and even deleted the board she had for me on Pinterest. my heart is shattered, I didn't think this would ever happen to us, I thought she loved me but all she's done is write lies about me, I've never once slagged her off or slated her on my blog but the stuff I've read about myself on her blog has literally broken me, I really haven't done any of that stuff .

Vikki isn't like other people, she's unique. her mind works differently to most other peoples, she cant watch TV or listen to music, browse the internet, go swimming, go on holiday, read a magazine. doing any of those things will send her into a meltdown, its clearly a mental health problem that she needs serious help with but honestly she's never been diagnosed, the past 3 years with Vikki have been extremely hard on both of us, I was only 21 when we got together and I admit I was still a very immature little girl with a massive drink problem, I made a few mistakes I'm not proud of but I've leant from them.

Vikki was different when we first met, we used to watch tele and listen to music, we even went to the pub but things quickly changed, she didn't like any of my friends and I admit they weren't the greatest of people but they were always there for me, she started getting very jealous and would isolate me for anything and everything, she would finish with me all the time, gradually I stopped going out because of two incidents, one where a girl tried to dance with me but I told her I had a girlfriend and she backed off, I didn't tell Vikki straight away I was scared how she'd react and exactly as I expected she finished with me, the other was when me and Vikki were out with my half brother Michael and there were dancers on the stage and I watched them, I didn't realise I was doing anything wrong and when I understood I had hurt Vikki I apologised there was also a man that kept saying he was going to leave his wife for me but I just laughed it off, he was an idiot that I had a drunken fumble with when I was 19 and confused. I stopped talking to my friends, because Vikki thought they lead me astray, I stopped watching TV because she would accuse me of fancying every woman that came on and I didn't want her to finish with me again, stopped listening to music because she accused me of thinking about the girl singers, I wasn't allowed to talk to girls, we couldn't walk down the street without her accusing me of looking at girls, I couldn't go on the internet without being accused of watching porn, I really tried to understand and I stopped doing everything she didn't like and followed all the rules, she went to college but I wasn't allowed to go or get a job because she wanted me to stay at home with the kids and be a housewife. I hadn't been brought up the same as her we were from totally different backgrounds and it was hard to change so much and sometimes I fucked up as I'm going to explain below:

The things Vikki has accused me of I suppose are true but not at all like she says they are, firstly, I have never in the 3 years were together, kissed another person, slept with another person, or had any romantic or sexual connection to anybody. the first incident was when me and Vikki went on a march for a cause that is very close to her heart, after the march we went to a few gay bars around town and in one of them, she got really friendly with a girl and asked her to come home with us, I was furious but tried not to let it show, instead I got extremely drunk and I cant remember much after that but apparently I kissed an old man and walked off with him and left Vikki in town. all I remember is walking around the streets asking people to use there phones so I could ring my brother to come and get me, next thing I know I'm sitting in Vikki's with her ex who actually stayed at her house that night and for a week the following month for christmas, she was weirdly close to him and I hated it, I must of feel asleep because the next thing I remember was getting dragged out of her house, I woke up the next day covered in blood, my face was a mess, I had a bruise of a footprint on arm, I had no idea who done this to me but I ended up at the hospital with shooting pains in my head, I had an ex ray and everything was fine but the hospital were 99% sure I had been spiked. the next few weeks after that incident I apologised to Vikki over and over again until she finally agreed to take me back. after that I stopped drinking and have been sober 3 years now.

Next there is Vikki's massive problem with an ex friend of mine Jamie, Jamie and I started talking randomly 6 years ago, she was having trouble with her wife who she was separated from at the time, she was also going through a custody battle with the father of her kids, I had just split up from my 1st girlfriend and neither of us were remotely interested in a relationship and we made that clear from the start, we both just needed a friend, we talked for a while and supported each other through hard times, then one weekend out of the blue she asked me if she could visit me, I wasn't sure at first and tried to put her off until my cousin said she could stay there, so she came up and stayed for 2 days at my cousins we had a drink and it was a laugh but absolutely no sexual feelings what so ever, next time she came up she told me she had met someone and I was extremely happy for her, she actually went home early that weekend because her girlfriend was coming to stay, we carried on talking and I spoke to her girlfriend too, it was purely just a friendship, we got on really well and she was just as happy for me when I met Vikki, obviously I got caught up in the hype of being in love and we stopped speaking as often in fact we only spoke about there times after I met Vikki, then one day my cousin made a daft comment about me loving Jamie and Vikki went mad told me she didn't want me to speak to her ever again, which wasn't a problem as the last time I spoke to her was about 8 weeks after me and Vikki got together, I blocked Jamie on Facebook and that was that, until about a year later when Vikki seen a message on my mums Facebook from Jamie saying " I'm not happy with Terri blocking me just because she has a girlfriend" Vikki then accused me of talking to Jamie the whole time we had been together which of course wasn't true, the next incident with Jamie was when me and vikki split up because of a reason I'm not willing to discus on here, anyway while we were apart, I went to a party, got some pictures took with friends and that night I text Vikki and told her I had went out and I was at home in bed alone because she didn't trust me, she text me back and told me to "fuck off" and said that she hated me, this really upset me and I was in an episode of depression, I felt the urge to cut myself, I had been like this before as I've suffered depression since I was 14, I needed someone to talk to but I had cut all my friends off because Vikki didn't like them, so I went on my Facebook and in boxed Jamie, she sent her number and she talked me out of cutting my self, we talked for hours about how much I loved and missed Vikki, Jamie's girlfriend char, her new little boy they had together and her brother that had passed away recently and that was it nothing flirty or sexual at all.

This incident is pretty similar but with a different person, Tasha was the neighbour of my mums friend Michelle who lived in our street, she was 17 nearly 18 so very young and immure, me and Vikki had been split up abut 2 weeks when I met her, I was having an awful time as my brother was due in court and about to be sentenced for sexually abusing me when I was a child, I was very depressed and extremely anxious, Tasha was about to be took into care because her mum had been physically abusing her since Tasha's dad passed away, we became friends but never spent time alone together or went out together but we did support each other, we talked about our problems as I had no friends and couldn't really talk to my family, I admit I was stupid to open up to someone but again I was feeling suicidal and had recently tried to overdose it kept me from doing something stupid again, it was never flirty or romantic or sexual, I talked about how much I was in love with Vikki who I had emailed everyday since we had split up and had no reply and Tasha had a boyfriend who id met but a few weeks later she messaged me and told me she had feelings for me, I replied by telling her I was in love with Vikki and hoped we would sort things out and she was far too young for me and after that I stopped talking to her, I didn't want to lead her on and I didn't want to lose Vikki but again nothing ever sexual or romantic happen, she was just a young girl with a silly crush.

Next is the bisexual sharelle nothing at all has ever went on, I met her years ago and hated her, met her again when she joined my sisters marching jazz band, we got on as friends same way I did with everyone from the band and I only seen her on a Sundays at competitions, I went away to wales with the jazz band, we all stayed in a hall, we weren't even in the same part but I went through to babysit another band member while her mum had a drink with mine and a group of us played cards and took some photos, in one of the photos I had leaned back and my hand touched her leg that was it, nothing sexual or flirty, the next incident was when I went to sharelles sisters 18th and again a group of us got photos took, nothing at all in any of it. Vikki just hates her coz she's a lesbian, she was blatantly fucking one of the male band members but I wasn't allowed to talk to her when Vikki was there or any other girl for that matter.

Mark, I've mentioned him further up but I'm gonna explain further, mark was my brother Michaels best mate, I was 19 and had not long come out as gay, I had just split up with my first girlfriend and Michael took me out, I got extremely drunk and had a drunken one night stand with mark, cant really remember it to be honest and it was a one time thing that was never spoke about again, in fact I actually avoided him until the night of my 21st, me and Vikki weren't even together at this point but she was there, I got drunk, slapped some men about in a jealous rage over them flirting with Vikki, slapped my sister by accident had a scuffle with my brother and mark grabbed my hand and walked me home, Vikki reckons I kissed him but I don't remember but she did admit that my brother actually kissed her that night so she's not exactly innocent and I ended up sleeping at her house that night so clearly nothing happened with me and him, anyway the night I described further up, mark kept telling Vikki he was gonna leave his wife for me I shrugged it off and laughed as it was clearly never gonna happen he was an idiot who took advantage of me when I was drunk but Vikki was furious and I don't blame her but nothing happened I was with her all night and I haven't spoke to him since.

The fake profile she mentioned was another time we split up, I was stupid and immature, I made a fake profile and talked to myself to make her jealous, I'm embarrassed to admit it but I'm a fuck up and mentally unstable.

Just to be clear I was never with Vikki when any of these situations happened we had always spilt up, yeah I made wrong choices and stupid mistakes but I've learnt by them and as I'm going to explain below Vikki is not innocent in all this she's done her fair share too.

First time I started to doubt Vikki was when I realised how close she was to her ex, like he used to stay at her house or outside her house in his car, fair enough he lived 6 hours away so had a long drive but seeing them together just made me uncomfortable, they were always laughing together and talking about old times, I felt jealous and really out of place like I was the third wheel, they used to go out with the kids together like a little family, it broke my heart to see someone I was in love with so close to a man she once was in a relationship with for 9 years, it was actually about 8 weeks before she told him we were together and it was only because her oldest kids dropped her in it  so she had other choice, he was really horrible about me and used to call me fat and say he was gonna get rid of me, she never stuck up for me she'd just laugh it off.

The next time was when I realised she had been exchanging messages with a man that she had some kind of online fantasy relationship with over Xbox and Facebook, I had found sexual massages earlier on in our relationship from before she met me, the messages actually made me physically sick but this time we were together, the messages weren't sexual but it was the fact he was an ex that she had told she loved and had online sex with once upon a time.

The situation with Steve is basically the same as the one above, she was messaging him, nothing sexual but I later found out she had slept with this man on 2 separate occasions and he was in love with her to the point he even tried to stop her from getting married... not really a big deal but it broke my heart.

The 6 weeks when we were apart was when I truly realised what she was capable of, this was the break up when I met Tasha, who she actually had no idea about so she cant use that as an excuse, she befriended a 18 year old girl who she had in her house, she went shopping with and even went on nights out with her, I discovered photos of Vikki kissing girls who she says were in a relationship and it was just friendly, she admitted kissing another girl to see if she was over me (weird, right?) and the night I over dosed she was with another girl who she told people she fucked but then later denied it.

Johnny the delivery driver, we were actually together when this happened,we had been arguing, cant remember why but she had been out to try and buy bunk beds for the kids, apparently she only spoke to this man once and give him her number so he could drop the beds off, anyway she gets a text and I read it, its from the delivery man Johnny saying "when am I going to see you again" I scrolled down and there was another saying "I know this sounds silly but I cant get you out of my head" obviously I confronted her and she wasn't sorry she actually tried to make it my fault, now that fucking killed me but I stayed because I was madly in love with her

Steven! now this is the big one the one that broke me completely and the reason why I don't trust her with men. Vikki always talked about this man who she'd grew up in care with, she said he was like a brother to her, she was bridesmaid at his wedding and actually referred to him as her brother, they hadn't spoke for a while then he got back in contact and I actually encouraged her to talk to him, he had split from his wife and needed a friend (quite innocent I thought) ,then we split up and I just had a feeling that something was going on with them ( truth is I hacked her Facebook and read her messages so I know exactly what was said but she still to this day hasn't told me the whole truth), she admitted talking to him sexually and telling him she loved him, in fact she even rang me and told me I should love her like Steven does while i was on the phone breaking my heart telling her I loved her ( I find this twisted considering she knew the abuse I suffered by my brother), I forgave her and we got back together, few days later I found a picture on her phone of her that she had sent to him, she denied it for ages then finally told me the truth, it wasn't a rude pic just a pic of her face but she lied.

So yeah, our whole relationship was fucked up but I never cheated, I changed my whole life to suit Vikki and I'm still the one left hurting and heartbroken while she's talking to some random 20 year old FTM transsexual which she actually rang me to tell me about because she didn't want me to hear it from other people and now she's blocked me on everything and is slating me on her blog, she even referred to my sexual abuse as "sleeping with my brother for 10 years". so yeah here I am again, heartbroken, depressed, anxious and suicidal and vikkis nowhere to be seen, stupid thing is, I'm still madly in love with this woman and I think I always will be.