Sunday, 13 March 2016

My brother, my abuser part 2

In my first post about the abuse I suffered as a child I wasn't ready to go into very much detail but I'm going to try again to write about my experience, above is a link that is pretty relevant to this post.

My brother glen was 8 years older than me, we had the same mum but different dads. We grew up in the same house and up until I was 6 I loved him and I trusted him but all that changed when he decided to take away my innocence and destroy my childhood.

From what i can remember Glen was always a quiet boy he wasn't interested in girls or football or cars, he was interested in computer games and fishing. Glen went to a school for kids with special needs because he struggled a lot with his reading and writing, he didn't have a lot of friends and was very immature, his mentality was always a few years behind his age.

At home glen spent most of his time in his bedroom, playing computer games or teaching his pet rats some tricks, glen came across secretive and never really showed his emotions but he had a wicked temper, he was scary when he was angry, he would smash things up and scream and shout, there was a few times he'd slap me across the legs for being naughty.

I want to explain the abuse but I don't want to go into a lot of detail as its still very raw but Here it goes....

As I have explained briefly in my other posts, i was 6 when the abuse stared, so glen would have been 14, he didn't come into my room at night or force himself on me, he was a lot cleverer than that, he knew I loved and trusted him because he was my brother so he made the abuse into a game, sometimes it was mummy's and daddy's, sometimes it was doctors and nurses and sometimes he just made up his own games. I was a child and I was happy my brother wanted to play with me, i was happy that someone was taking an interest in my life. My mum had been so busy lately with my new baby sister, I was feeling forgotten and left out, it felt like glen was the only person who cared about me.

The games with glen started off very innocent, we'd play dolly's or I'd watch him on the computer, it all seemed very normal but now I realise he was just gaining my trust and making me feel comfortable before he made his move.

The first time glen sexually abused me, I didn't even know it had happened, I felt uncomfortable and something about the way he touched me felt wrong but he was my brother, he loved me and would never hurt me right? WRONG!!. I remember forgetting about the abuse quite quickly, I guess I just blocked it out, I didn't say anything because I didn't really understand what had happened and I didn't know why felt the way I did.

The abuse escalated quite quickly, it went from maybe every 2 weeks to several times a week, glen wasn't as friendly and loving as he was at the beginning either, he wouldn't play games that I wanted to play and he would get really angry if I didn't want to play his 'games', sometimes I'd cry because I didn't want to play but this just made him angrier, he would shout at me for not touching him properly and he'd threaten to smack me if I wouldn't let him touch me, by this time I knew what he was doing was wrong, it hurt and made me feel dirty and sad, I'd lie in bed at night crying and wishing someone would come and save me.

The abuse had been going on for about a year now, it was happening nearly every day, I was powerless, I couldn't tell anybody because who would believe me? Glen said mum would never take my side over his, he told me I would be sent always and I would never see my family again and I believed him.

That's all I feel I can write right now but ill be back with more soon.

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