Thursday, 17 March 2016

The devil that is mental health and the break down of my relationship.

Good morning, I haven't long woke up, I didn't sleep very well last night, I had a million things running through my brain and I just couldn't settle, I ended getting up at 2am and 6am to use the toilet so I'm probably going to be groggy all day. how fun!.

My life doesn't seem to be going very well lately and its all down to my mental health issues.

In October last year I fell ill, my anxiety and depression became a major problem in my life, I just couldn't function most days, I struggled to get out of bed because I felt like I couldn't breathe properly, I was shaking and sweating, my body kept twitching and my heart would race so fast that I thought it would explode, it got so bad that even doing little everyday tasks was to much effort. things got so bad that I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped showering, I stopped getting dressed, I stopped doing my hair and eventually I stopped getting out of bed,  I just didn't care anymore. it was a really hard time in my life and I was so scared, I thought there was something really wrong with me.

In January this year I was on the verge of a break down, I couldn't eat, I was literally terrified of everything, I wouldn't go out of the house, I didn't like talking or seeing anybody apart from my Vikki, I couldn't watch anything apart from cartoons because everything else set off my anxiety, I was hysterical, screaming that I felt like I was dying one minute and screaming I was going to kill my self the next, all I done was cry, I went to the hospital numerous times because I thought I was having a heart attack, they would check my heart and send me home, I ended up believing I had some mystery illness that couldn't be detected, I didn't want to be here anymore, I felt so alone and nobody believed me because I 'looked' fine but Inside I was a dying and nobody knew how to help me.

Vikki tried her best but I suppose I was just too much for her, she had a lot on with college and 3 kids to look after, I was just becoming a burden to her, she hated me and our relationship was deteriorating very fast, Vikki became distant and cold, we never really spoke anymore and there was no affection, she just kept saying she was tired after college but I think it was more than that, she made excuses not to spend time with me, we argued a lot and she told me more than once she didn't want to be with me, I know it was my fault, I was expecting to much from her and she had her own problems to deal with but her mental health was very stable, she was doing well at college, she had been appointed student governor, I was very proud of her but also very sad as I was getting left behind.

On the 10th of January this year I moved back home to live with my mother and sister, now this wasn't something I wanted to do but I needed help and support and Vikki had enough to cope with, she just didn't have time for me and I understood that, I didn't want to burden her anymore and it wasn't fair on her or the children to see me the way I was. I made my decision based on the best interest of Vikki, the children and me, it wasn't a selfish decision, it was one that was best for all of us but understandably Vikki was very hurt by this and said if I left that it was the end of me and her, I begged her to rethink her decision, I didn't want to break up, I just wanted to get better so I could be a better girlfriend to her and a better parent to her children that I had unknowingly neglected since I fell ill. Vikki didn't change her mind and I left angry, hurt and heartbroken.

The first day at my mums was one of the hardest days of my life, my anxiety was sky high, I couldn't sit still, I was shaking, sweating, me head was spinning and I felt like I was gonna stop breathing at any second, I was a nervous wreck so my mum got me an emergency doctors appointment for that day. once I was in the doctors room my body seemed to calm, I felt relief for the first times in months, I felt safe, my doctor is brilliant and I have major respect for her as she was the doctor that found my mums cervical cancer and practically saved her life. I spoke to the doctor for about 45 minutes, I broke down and told her everything, she diagnosed me with depression and panic disorder and prescribed 3 different types of medication (propranolol, sertraline and mirtazapine) and also referred me to talking therapies for a course of psychology. I felt a little better when I left the doctors but the anxiety was still there in the background, trying to push its way through, fighting for my attention.

It was a few days before I was well enough to try and contact Vikki, she hadn't tried to make contact with me since I left and after trying for a few days she still didn't want to talk to me and she hadn't changed her mind about our relationship. I was heartbroken, I really needed her support and she just turned her back on me, I became obsessive and started texting her all the time, begging her to change her mind, she obviously got sick of me and changed her number, I still didn't give up on her though, I sent her an email every day for 6 weeks which I admit seems a bit stalkerish but I didn't want to give up on us, we had been through so much together I just couldn't justify our relationship ending the way it did.

On a Friday 6 weeks after I moved back home, my mum had a phone call off one of Vikki's twin daughters Asha, Asha asked my mum if she could speak to me, I was in my room when my mum brought the phone through. me and Asha chatted for about  15 mins, I asked how she was and she asked if I had spoke to her mum, I replied that I hadn't spoke to her mum for about 6 weeks, Asha then told me she hadn't been able to get InTouch with her mum for weeks and she was starting to worry as she was meant to be visiting her the next day, I told Asha I would email her mum and ask her to get in touch with Asha ASAP. after I come off the phone I started to really worry about Vikki and wondered why she hadn't been in contact with her daughter, I sent an email but just as I suspected I got no reply and in the end I decided I was going to go to Vikki's house and make sure she was okay.

I arrived at Vikki's about an hour n a half after I had spoke to Asha, I was very nervous as I didn't know how she was going to react to seeing me for the first time in 6 weeks, the front door was open so I walked in, Vikki's two youngest children were downstairs in the dining room, I asked the youngest of the two where her mum was and she replied that Vikki was upstairs, as I walked up the stairs my heart started beating uncontrollably, the palms of my hands were sweaty and my legs were shaking, I was felt nervous but also excited, I reached the top step and seen Vikki's bedroom door open, I seen her standing there in a towel, she must have just come out of the shower, I walked towards her bedroom and she turned around to see me, she looked shocked, we just stared at each other for a few seconds, neither of us spoke until Vikki finally asked why I was here, I sat down on our bed and explained about the phone call off Asha and how she was worried about her, Vikki didn't say a lot apart from that she would ring Asha in the morning, she then pulled me towards her into a hug and asked if I would stay with her that night, I said I would and I ended up staying until Tuesday. I made it clear to Vikki that I couldn't come back and live with her full time because I still needed a lot of care that she couldn't give me due to other commitments.

Me and Vikki were on and off for the next four weeks she was happy when I stayed at hers but as soon as I came home for the doctors and psychology she would finish with me by claiming she couldn't cope with me being away and it was setting her mental health off, the first two times I begged her to take me back and she did but the last time she finished with me, I told her not to contact me again, its been just over a week now and we haven't spoke once and this time I don't think we will again, I've been reading her bog and she seems a lot happier, she's doing brilliant at college and I read she's been asked to start a support group for LGBTQ which is brilliant as she struggles to make friends and hopefully this will help her bond with people and I'm sure she'll make a lot of new friends. Vikki is a very friendly, intelligent and talkative woman and I wish nothing but the best for her, all I ever wanted was for her to be happy and it looks like she is, its just sad that it had to be without me. I will always hold a special pace in my heart for Vikki, she means more to me than anything. I lost her love through anxiety and depression but it will never take away my love for her.

One day I will beat this life crippling illness but for now I'm taking one day at times and learning how to cope with the symptoms. I'm getting better slowly and that's enough for me at the minute.

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