Our fucked up love (explicit content)

OUR FUCKED UP LOVE

At that start of our relationship ill admit I was immature, but one thing I wasn’t doing, was fucking sluts for sure
I had bitches on my phone, but not one of them had my heart, it was only you Vikki, right from the fucking start
with you it just felt different, we decided to take it slow, it was almost 2 weeks before I fucking touched your
whoa lets back it up, I think there something missing, oh yeah now I remember, there was no one else I was kissing
 You can throw all theses accusations, if you wanna keep us apart, but here’s some validations, these lyrics are coming right from my heart
 your pussy was the only pussy, I was fucking fistin, your tits are the only tits that I get horny kissin, your arse is the only arse
that’s bounced on my rubber dick, and your cunt is the only cunt, that I have ever licked
 come on lets be real for a sec, I’m far from a fucking saint, but one thing I know for sure, is a cheater I fucking aint.

There’ll always be home for you in my heart
No matter if were together or worlds apart
No body else on earth could take your place
Your big brown eyes and your beautiful face
Your smile is burned in to my brain
My love for you will always stay the same
You might forget me and you might move on
But vikki in my heart is where you truly belong.

Now anybody that knows you, knows your head don’t work the same, as every fucker else’s and it drives us both insane
You like to believe all the bad stuff, but you wont believe the good, would you rather I was on the floor, drowning in my own blood
The tiniest little seed of doubt, will cause a fucking war, Terri pack your fucking bags and walk right out the door
A week will pass or maybe two, before I’m back in your bed, ill never forget the pain you caused, but I can forget what you said
Our love is like a hurricane, of every fucking emotion, two psychopaths together though, it was bound to cause commotion
          One thing I can say for sure is , I think our love was fate, although, I wanna slit your throat, when you call me fucking mate
Have you ever noticed though, how we always get back together, don’t think you can fucking leave me bitch, you belong to me forever

There’ll always be home for you in my heart
No matter if were together or worlds apart
No body else on earth could take your place
Your big brown eyes and your beautiful face
Your smile is burned in to my brain
My love for you will always stay the same
You might forget me and you might move on
But vikki in my heart is where you truly belong.

A letter of apologies

I think this will be my last ever post so I wanna use it to apologize to the people who mean the most to me, these words are truly form the bottom of my heart.

To Vikki- I'm sorry for all the mistakes I made when we broke up and when we were together, I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you and made you cry, I'm sorry for pushing you to the point of doing things you didn't want to do, I'm sorry for not understanding you and still pushing you to do things you didn't feel comfortable doing, I'm sorry for seeking attention from other people when you weren't there to comfort me, I'm sorry for making you feel ugly and worthless, because to me your the most beautiful girl in the world, I'm sorry for making you think all other girls came before you, no girl has ever come close to you, you were always my number 1 priority,  I'm sorry for shouting and getting jealous when you spoke to men, I'm sorry for becoming ill and blaming you for not supporting me, I'm sorry I cried on the phone when I found out you were talking to Tyler, I'm sorry for not wanting you to talk to him, I'm sorry for wanting you in my life and texting and ringing you all the time, I'm sorry for getting mad when you ignore me, I'm sorry for needing you, I'm sorry for not being a better parent to your kids, I'm sorry for chasing you and turning up at your door when I know you just wanted to move on from me, I'm sorry for dragging you down with my problems, I'm sorry I couldn't provide for you, I'm sorry for all the shit you had to put up with off my friends and family, I'm sorry for dragging you into my fucked up life, I'm sorry for not being the person you want me to be and fucking up our relationship, I'm sorry for all the times I stayed when you asked to me to go, I'm sorry for not letting you grow and meet new people and lastly I'm sorry for falling in love with you.


To my mum- I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through when I was young, I'm sorry for the drink, drugs and all the times I lost it and smashed your house up, I'm sorry for the times the police came to your door, I'm sorry for lashing out when we fought, I'm sorry for all the stress I put on you by not going to school, I'm sorry for all the times I cut myself and you had to see me bleed, I'm sorry for all the times I tried to overdose and you had to comfort me and take me to hospital, I'm sorry for all the times I blamed you for my dad not wanting me, I'm sorry I ruined the one relationship that you might have been happy in, I'm sorry for blaming you for the abuse I suffered, I'm sorry for not being stronger when you had cancer and finally I'm sorry for putting your only son in prison.


To my sister Lynzie- I'm sorry I wasn't old enough to help you with your kids, I'm sorry I wasn't old enough to stop your boyfriends hitting you, I'm sorry I wasn't well enough to look after your only daughter and because of me you only see her twice a month and I'm sorry for talking away the only person that really knew you.


To my sister Tylah- I'm sorry for wanting you to be a boy, I'm sorry for being jealous of you when you were a baby, I'm sorry for not protecting you properly but he promised he wouldn't hurt you if I done what he said, I'm sorry for being jealous that you had a dad, I'm sorry for all the times you had to see me kicking off when you were young, I'm sorry for all the times I made you cry when I tried to kill myself, I'm sorry for fighting with mum and I'm sorry you had to see me hurting all the times when me and Vikki split up.


To my dad- I'm sorry for not being the daughter you wanted .

Welcome to my world

This is just a little song

 i wrote, it kinda describes how im feeling right now.

Just a little relapse

Feeling pretty shit today, my teeth are killing, my heads a mess and i just cant make sense of what im feeling anymore, i dont know if im sad, angry or both.

Ive been on my own all day, mum and tylah have been to the vets with elbi, then they had to go to hospital for tylah to get her cast refitted. My heads working over time and i ended up ringing and texting vikki and as i suspected i got no reply which has started my depression off, i dont know why i keep thinking shes gonna change, ive know her for nearly 4 years and not once when we've been apart has she chased me or made me feel worth something to her, i should be used to getting ignored but it still cuts like a knife everytime.

I think im gonna have to stop reading her blog and her Pinterest  because everytime i do and i see somthing that says she loves me or misses me it puts a liitle but of hope in my heart and i just end up disappointed when she ignores me, im starting to think the quotes are not even for me, maybe theres someone else and thats why she dosent want to speak to me or maybe she just likes playing head games, i dont know why she keeps doing this do me but i know that it hurts like fuck.

I just have to keep reminding myself that shes happier without me and thats all that i ever wanted for her, i cant be selfish and take that happiness away from her, no matter how much i miss her or how much i want her in my arms, i need to let her go and remind my self that this is what she wanted, if she felt like i do she would have been in touch.

Tomorrows another day.

Just a short one

betrayal and fake friends

So I've just read Vikki's blog and I'm actually foaming, she wrote on there that she heard me on the phone the other day and wrote all this bullshit about me being happy and stuff, now I only have 2 friends and I've asked them both if they have been in a room with Vikki while I've been on the phone and they both replied NO. so, either Vikki is lying or one of my friends are, I've text Vikki and had no reply, I rang her and got no answer.

I wouldn't of even been mad if one of my friends had of said yes they were with Vikki but somebody is lying to me and not one of them is loyal enough to tell the truth, I feel extremely hurt by my friends but Vikki once again has broke my heart, she writes all this stuff on her blog about me and pins pictures on Pinterest saying she misses me and loves me but when I need her she's never there, I'm not even worth a text back or a 2 minute phone call, I was starting to forget why I was mad at her but now I remember, ill never be important to her and her actions will always speak louder than her words, she'll only ever be loyal to the people who take her for granted and the people who love her will always come last, that's Vikki that's just who she is. if she bothered to take an interest in me than she'd no I'm far from happy, I have no friends and my family apart from my mum and sister are 2 faced cunts. I've got no one and this has just proved to me. people just aren't worth your pain. fuck the lot of them

I'm having a really shit day

Woke up in the middle of the night again having a nightmare, couldn't get back to sleep for ages but when I finally did drop off I was up again at 6am with toothache, IME toothache is one of the worst pains you can go through in your life, I took painkillers, swished warm salty water and even rubbed toothpaste on the sore tooth but still my mouth is in agony, It hurts so much I think I might actually start crying. oh and I've got a cold sore so my morning has been pretty shit but I did get up and make my mum a cup of coffee which is an achievement I suppose.

I actually cant wait to see my phycologist on the 30th, she's been off sick for the past 2 weeks so  I haven't be able to see her, I have so much shit built up in my head that I need to off load and all the stuff with Vikki is doing my head in, I spoke to a friend yesterday who told me Vikki's doing fine, she's been generally keeping herself busy and she's been to the cinema with the kids which she would never do when I was there unless I actually forced her, TBH she never wanted to do anything with me and the kids, I think spending time with me was like a chore to her and god help me if I asked her to spend any money, we only really done nice stuff if I paid for it and she gets a lot more money than I do. I tried to give her everything I could but it just feels like I failed her, nothing was ever good enough and the one thing I value more than anything else is loyalty and that's one thing she never gave me.

I honestly don't think it'll be long before Vikki finds somebody else, she falls in love really easily and this LGBTQ support group she's gonna be doing will be the perfect place for that to happen, why cant I just forget her? I know she doesn't love me and I know there's never gonna be an US again, so why do I keep hoping she'll ring, text or email? I don't know how to move on and I don't know if I ever will.

I'm feeling very sad today my depression is at its finest.